Songs in the Key of Life
by twstofate
Summary: Many of the Divas hide deep pain and secrets behind flashy clothes and pretty smiles. Includes Stephanie, Molly, Stacy, Lita, Jazz, Trish, and Torrie. FINISHED!!!
1. Playboy Mommy

*** This is a little bit different format from me. This should end up being about 14 parts long. It's going to involve seven of the divas (well, six if you don't consider Stephanie to be a diva) and their problem(s) will be presented in the diva's point of view. Then after all of this has been presented, there will be a chapter from the POV of the person who helps them figure out whatever haunts them. I will warn you that these are going to be very touchy and intense subjects (abortion, abuse, eating disorders, depression, etc.), so don't read it if you aren't ready for that.  
  
Okay, every chapter is going to be a song-fic. The song in this one is "Playboy Mommy" by Tori Amos. Enjoy!  
  
*  
  
// In my platforms  
  
I hit the floor //  
  
He pushed me off of the apron. It didn't matter to him, anything that I had told him. He was still determined to show the world and me that he didn't need me. He wanted everyone to believe that he was better than me.  
  
He wanted everything to remain a secret. And the only threat to that secret was another little secret. My little secret. He would probably have done quite a lot to silence that secret too.  
  
But even though he hurt me when he pushed me off of the apron, I don't think he wanted to hurt me. I don't think he ever intended to make me feel like I was less than dirt. Because, while I laid alone in the hospital bed later that night, that's exactly what I felt.  
  
I felt lower than dirt and I felt like I didn't matter at all to him. And I felt this agonizing emptiness. I sacrificed everything for him. I lost the trust of some of my dearest friends for him. I made myself his dirty little secret so he could remain a fan favorite. I didn't matter. At least, that's how I felt when I was all alone in that bed.  
  
// fell face down  
  
didn't help my brain out //  
  
I thought he would have come to visit me. Maybe nobody told him that I was bleeding when I came backstage. Maybe no one told him that I had been taken to the emergency room by the paramedics.  
  
But I knew very well that Lita and Matt had seen me as I was being wheeled out. I will admit that I was in hysterics for two different reasons. But I saw them. I saw the concern clouding Lita's eyes. I saw Matt crane his neck around to look for him.  
  
And I fell asleep in that cold, empty room. Of course, it didn't feel so cold or empty on the outside, but it was frigid in my soul. I had lost two precious things with just one push. And he still wasn't there.  
  
Somewhere in the night I wanted to hit him. I wanted to hurt him somehow.  
  
// then the baby came  
  
before I found  
  
the magic how  
  
to keep her happy //  
  
"Baby," a slurred voice whispered in my ear. I could smell the alcohol before I opened my eyes. "Baby, wake up."  
  
"There is no baby," I said coldly, refusing to open my eyes. Refusing to let his blue eyes mesmerize me all over again. I couldn't let myself be drawn back into his web. "Not anymore."  
  
"I didn't mean to push you baby," he said, sounding like a penitent child. "I didn't know you were up there. I ran into you accidentally."  
  
And it could have been true. He could have just accidentally caused me to fall three feet to the concrete below. Maybe it wasn't intentional. But why had it taken so long for him to get there.  
  
"Where have you been?" I asked, hating the sound of tears in my voice. "Why didn't you come sooner?"  
  
"I went out with The Rock," he shrugged.  
  
"The Rock?" she asked in obvious shock. "You don't even like him! I've been lying here all night and you went drinking with the The Rock?"  
  
"Baby, calm down," he admonished.  
  
"Get out!" I exclaimed, tears rolling down my cheeks. "I never want to see you again!"  
  
// I never was the fantasy  
  
of what you want  
  
wanted me to be //  
  
That whole time I had been so busy thinking about myself, about what I wanted and how I wanted him to treat me that I forgot why I was spending the night in the hospital.  
  
I woke up with an ache in my heart and a pain in my abdomen. The only thing I wanted to do was roll myself up into a ball and cry until all of the tears were gone. I could live without him, but I had a sinking feeling it would be pretty hard to live with myself after what I had done.  
  
I didn't have to come out to the ring to interfere, to play that little game we played so well. But I did. I knew what it would cost me if either him or Rob ran into me, but I risked it.  
  
It was my fault my baby died. It was my fault that I felt like everything inside of me had died and my body was still walking around aimlessly. It was me.  
  
// Don't judge me so harsh little girl  
  
so you got a playboy mommy //  
  
I never thought it would hurt so much. I had a friend in college who miscarried a baby. She cried for a few days, but after that she was pretty much fine. She pretty much got over everything.  
  
But I was dying inside. Every morning I woke up and I died a little more. I expected to feel movement inside of me and it never came. I couldn't stand that deep, cutting pain.  
  
That's when I began to push my closest friend away. The only person who had stood by me through the entire ordeal of a relationship. And it was my fault that he thought I honestly was the bitch everyone thought I was. It was my fault that he divorced me. It was my fault that my world shattered, because I couldn't believe anyone would want to be close to me. I couldn't imagine anyone caring for me.  
  
// but when you tell em my name  
  
and you want to cross that  
  
Bridge all on your own //  
  
So many casualties came out of that one night, that one fall. My baby was the most tangible loss. Sometimes I dream about what she would have been like. She would have had my eyes and his blond hair. My brains and his wit. And then I wake up and realize it was a cruel dream. Even my subconscious is punishing me for causing myself to fall.  
  
Then I lost the man who was my passion, the man who set me on fire. I didn't lose him, I told him to get lost. And he did. The next thing I knew he was messing around with some mat rat. It hurt my heart every single time I would see him laughing or acting like something life changing hadn't occurred.  
  
Maybe it only changed my life. He just lost me. I lost him, my baby, my best friend, and myself.  
  
I wonder if I'll ever find myself.  
  
// little girl they'll do you no harm  
  
cause they know  
  
Your playboy mommy //  
  
Sometimes I wish that I could die and go to heaven and look after my baby. Then I wouldn't live with this mind numbing pain, day after day. Then I wouldn't have to work so hard to get out of bed every morning. I wouldn't have to remind myself to smile. I wouldn't have to be here.  
  
Sometimes here can be such a cruel place. Sometimes it actually seems like a void, where stuff is going on around you, but you can't participate and you can't stop anything and you feel like you're spinning out of control.  
  
I hope that my baby girl is up in heaven, watching over me. I hope that she knows that I love her, even though I didn't have the sense to protect her with every bit of myself. I hope she can forgive me for my sin against her. I hope she knows that I wish she was with me so badly that it physically hurts.  
  
// but when you tell em my name  
  
from here to Birmingham I got a few friends //  
  
"Stephanie, you okay?" he asked, actually sounding concerned.  
  
"I'm just dandy," I said sarcastically. "Yourself?"  
  
"I'm okay," he said cautiously. "Why are you crying?"  
  
"Why would you care?" I asked. "You never did before."  
  
"That's not fair," he said, sitting next to me. "One night I wasn't there for you and you excommunicate me from your life."  
  
"The one night I really needed you!" I exclaimed. "Didn't you know that I was in the hospital?"  
  
"I did," he admitted sadly. "And I knew it was me who put you there. It was me. And I couldn't change that. And I hated it. I couldn't handle it Stephanie."  
  
"And you thought I could?" I asked. "I came down to the ring and I killed our baby!"  
  
"No you didn't," he said, so calmly, so honestly that I could almost believe him.  
  
"Why? Why my baby?" I asked, tears again filling my eyes. "Why couldn't it have been something else? Anything else?"  
  
"Sweetheart," he said. "Life sucks. You and I should know that by now."  
  
// I never was there was there when it counts  
  
I get my way  
  
you're so like me //  
  
"Do you blame me?" I asked him. My face was cradled in his neck. He stroked my bare arms.  
  
"Hmm?" he asked.  
  
"Do you blame me for losing the baby?" I asked him. "I know you didn't want a baby, but still."  
  
"Can we not talk about this?" he asked.  
  
"I need to," I said.  
  
"Why?" he asked. "We just made up baby. Why rock the boat?"  
  
"Is that what I would be doing?" I asked, sitting up and pulling the sheet up to cover myself. "Would I upset your perfect little world?"  
  
"Stephanie," he sighed.  
  
"Don't Stephanie me," I said. "I don't want to be with you if you are going to pretend that nothing happened. Something happened! And it destroyed my life!"  
  
"Then isn't it easier to just move on and leave it in the past where it belongs?" he asked.  
  
"No," I said. "Because it's here, inside of me."  
  
// you seemed ashamed  
  
ashamed that I was  
  
a good friend of American soldiers //  
  
"I can't do this," I said, standing up and gathering my clothes.  
  
"Do what?" he asked, getting up and slipping on a pair of boxers.  
  
"I can't be with you," I said. "I can't just ignore a big part of my life. I know that I can't be with you. You're ashamed of me. I know that you use me."  
  
"I use you?" he asked in disbelief. "I use you?"  
  
"Yeah," I said. "You use me to prove to yourself that someone desires you, that someone needs you. But you don't want to need me."  
  
"You on the other hand," he said. "Use me to have something exciting. You're so bored with the life that you've been given that you need a little excitement to liven up your life."  
  
"That's not true," I said.  
  
"It's not?" he asked. "Then why were you with me?"  
  
"Because I cared about you," I said.  
  
"Liar," he said. "You needed something that no one else was giving you. You needed excitement. You needed someone to make you feel alive and daring."  
  
// I'll say it loud here by your grave  
  
those angels can't  
  
ever take my place //  
  
"Do you know how hard it is?" I asked him.  
  
"What? To be you?" he asked.  
  
"To be alive?" I asked.  
  
"What's wrong with you?" he asked. "You used to be so alive."  
  
"I used to be alive," I said sadly. "It ripped something out of me when I killed my baby. I haven't been the same."  
  
"You didn't kill the baby!" he yelled at me. "You weren't the one to blame!"  
  
"What are you talking about?" I asked.  
  
"It was me!" he exclaimed. "I was the one who did it! It was me who killed the baby, it was me who ruined us."  
  
"You didn't," I said, confused. "I did that."  
  
"No," he said. "I purposely made you feel like nothing. It scared me when you told me that you were pregnant. It scared me when I couldn't feel anything for the baby. It scared me that I wanted to get as far away from you as I could."  
  
"What?" I asked.  
  
// somewhere where the orchids grow  
  
I can't find those church bells  
  
that played when you died //  
  
"I wanted you to lose the baby," he said. "It made everything easier. I didn't push you on purpose. I was pushed into you. But I wasn't devastated."  
  
"Are you mad at me for caring about the baby?" I asked.  
  
"No, I'm mad at myself," he said. "I took everything for granted. I thought that I would be fine without you. I was wrong."  
  
"I, what do you want from me?" I stammered.  
  
"I want to be with you," he said. "That's all. But I don't think you can be with me. I think it might destroy you."  
  
"No, I need you now," I said.  
  
"Stephanie, you never needed me," he said. "You convinced yourself that you needed me. You never needed anyone."  
  
"You're being crazy," I said. "I need you so much."  
  
"Then why didn't you come to me?" he asked. "Why did I have to come to you?"  
  
// played Gloria  
  
talkin bout  
  
Hosanna //  
  
"I don't know," I said, feeling more confused that I ever had before.  
  
"You may be scared Stephanie," he said. "But you don't need me. You need to get over you're pain alone."  
  
"What if I can't?" I asked, tears in my eyes.  
  
"Don't make this hard on me Stephanie?" he pleaded. "I want you so much that it physically hurts. But this is better for you."  
  
"You're wrong," I said with conviction.  
  
"I wish I was," he said sadly.  
  
Minutes later, I was sitting on my bed alone. Wondering how I would ever survive alone. How could I ever recover that part of me that kept me alive if he wasn't with me. He didn't seem to understand that he was my fire.  
  
"Damn you Chris Jericho," I said, looking at the door he had walked out of.  
  
I wrapped my arms around my abdomen and felt so alone.  
  
// don't judge me so harsh little girl // 


	2. Day in the Life

*** I must reiterate that this series will be extremely angsty and all. Especially the first seven chapters. Also, I don't know if I put it, but I own none of the wrestlers, I don't own the WWF, and I don't own the songs. This song is "Day in the Life" by the Beatles. ***  
  
// I read the news today oh, boy  
  
About a lucky man who made the grade //  
  
It might be easier to die. It might be easier to hold a gun to your head and just blow your miserable life away. It might be easier than pretending that everything is just peachy.  
  
It might be easier for me to live if thoughts like this weren't constantly running through my head. I go to stand in Hurricane's or Spike's corner and I think that if I get involved and something went wrong, everything would just be done. I would be done.  
  
And I think that would be easier than living in my skin. It would be easier than parading around on the arm of whatever guy happens to care about me at the moment. It's hard to keep them interested though. Especially when you have a death wish, like I seem to anymore.  
  
// And though the news was rather sad  
  
Well I just had to laugh and  
  
I saw the photograph //  
  
If you asked anyone who knew me that I could actually think of things like death on a regular basis, they would probably laugh at you. I mean I'm almost inclined to laugh. I might laugh, if it didn't require so much energy.  
  
The thing is, none of my friends or family really know me. They all think I'm really this happy-go-lucky girl who only sees the best in life. I'm the complete opposite of that coin. There is nothing left in my soul that is happy. Nothing that looks for the good.  
  
It's not that I relish what is wrong with the world, it's just all I see anymore. I look for the shades of gray. On a good day, a day where suicide seems completely unreasonable, I see things that border on good. Less bad in any case. But there is so much evil in this world, it's hard to survive with any sense of right or wrong anyways.  
  
Maybe that's what is wrong with me. I can actually discern right from wrong and it's driving me crazy.  
  
// He blew his mind out in a car  
  
He didn't notice that the lights had changed //  
  
I do think I'm crazy. I mean, normal people do not think that the easiest thing for everyone would be if they died. It's a completely morbid and sick thought. But I really can't help it. It's not like I ask for this sense of darkness and disgust that seems to haunt me.  
  
I even dream about all of the evil that is out there. It's not that I'm evil, but I'm deathly afraid of being tempted by it. I'm afraid of hurting anyone that I care about. I haven't killed myself yet, so I do the next best thing to ensure that I don't hurt anyone. I push them away.  
  
There was a reason I let Hurricane brainwash me into becoming his sidekick. Aside from actually seeing good in the man, I was actually starting to really care about Spike. I couldn't cause him pain. And me just dumping him and letting him find somebody who isn't completely deranged and paranoid is better than me staying with him and actually making him my victim.  
  
// A crowd of people stood and stared  
  
They'd seen his face before,  
  
Nobody was really sure if he was from the House of Lords. //  
  
The saddest reason is that I have no reason to hate the life I live, to hate the mind I live inside of. By all accounts, I should be the picture of happiness and health. I have a family that really does care about me. I've had a boyfriend that actually loved me. I was friends with a number of good people. I've never been poor. My parents never beat me. Hell, I managed to break into the WWF. My life should make me happy.  
  
The doctors have told me all of my thoughts are due to severe clinical depression. And then they prescribe more drugs. Most of them just make me hazy and tired and I hate that, so I stop taking them.  
  
Then I remember why I started taking them in the first place. But after I've stopped I just can't motivate myself to start again. So I wait it out, until I convince myself to go see another psychiatrist. They give me more drugs, but they never seem to understand. They can't see that I'm crawling in my skin and the only thing I look forward to is leaving this world.  
  
// I saw a film today oh, boy  
  
The English army had just won the war //  
  
"Molly?" Hurricane asked, peering into the room. "You okay?"  
  
"I'm fine," I said, even though I had my head in my heads and I was ready to burst into sobs. "I'll be right out."  
  
"Take your time," Hurricane said.  
  
He's really very sweet. Probably too sweet to be stuck with me. I don't think he would understand if he ever found out about me. He thinks I'm just the sweetest thing that ever walked the earth. He's confident that I will always have his back.  
  
Part of me wishes that I could always have his back. He doesn't expect a whole hell of a lot from me. He just likes me for some inexplicable reason. The more time I spend with him, the less I understand.  
  
I feel like there is this war inside of myself. One way pulling me towards a normal life, where I actually let people close to me. The other side tells me that it's best to just remain isolated and not let anyone matter.  
  
// A crowd of people turned away  
  
But I just had a look  
  
Having read the book,  
  
I'd love to turn you on... //  
  
There was one person who found out about me. He found out that I was clinically depressed anyways. He was the strangest person that could have ever found out about it really.  
  
I bumped into him, because I wasn't watching out. "Sorry," I said as I bent down to pick up the items that had fallen out of my purse.  
  
"It's okay," he said, helping me pick things up. "It's Molly, right?"  
  
"Yeah, Molly Holly," I said, standing up to meet the man I had ran into.  
  
"Kurt Angle," he said, smiling at me as he offered me some of the items I had dropped. "It's a pleasure."  
  
"Thanks," I said, unsure of how to treat this man. I had just become friends with Spike and it was well-known that he wasn't the best of friends with my family. "You too."  
  
"Hey, I won't bite," Kurt said. "I know I'm not always the nicest person, but on occasion I can be surprising."  
  
He bent down and he picked up an orange bottle that held prescription pills. He read the label and then looked at me quizzically.  
  
// Woke up, fell out of bed,  
  
Dragged a comb across my head //  
  
"Hydrazine sulfate?" he asked, his face seeming very confused.  
  
"It's um, not mine," I lied.  
  
"And it says Molly Holly on the label because?" Kurt asked, pointing to my name on the label.  
  
"Okay," I sighed, "they are mine."  
  
"I figured," he said.  
  
"They are just anti-depressants," I said, like it was no big deal.  
  
"They are MAOIs," Kurt said. "I mean, Prozac would be safer. You can get really bad side effects from these."  
  
"How do you know that?" I asked, mystified by the fact that Kurt actually seemed to care about my mental stability.  
  
"Family stuff," Kurt shrugged. "Are you okay Molly?"  
  
"As okay as I can be," I shrugged.  
  
// Found my way downstairs and drank a cup,  
  
And looking up I noticed I was late. //  
  
"Does Vince know about this?" Kurt asked, lightly shaking the vial before he handed it back to me.  
  
"No," I said. "No one knows. You can't tell anyone."  
  
"What about your cousins?" Kurt asked. "And that little Dudley wimp?"  
  
"No one knows Kurt," I said. I heard the desperation in my own voice. "Please, please don't tell anyone."  
  
"Molly," Kurt said. "You shouldn't deal with this alone."  
  
"I've done fine so far," I said, snatching the bottle from his hand. "It would just hurt them and I don't want to hurt them anymore."  
  
"I doubt that you hurt anyone," Kurt said.  
  
"But I might," I answered.  
  
"Fine," Kurt said. "I won't tell anyone. But promise to come to me if you ever need someone to talk to."  
  
"Sure," I said, never intending to take him up on his offer.  
  
// Found my coat and grabbed my hat  
  
Made the bus in seconds flat  
  
Found my way upstairs and had a smoke,  
  
Somebody spoke and I went into a dream //  
  
"Why don't you stay here?" Hurricane asked, peering around the door again.  
  
"Why?" I asked.  
  
"Because you seem like you aren't feeling well," he replied. "Take a rest."  
  
"Thanks Hurricane," I said, smiling at him. He makes me believe there is good hidden somewhere in this world. And if I stay around much longer I have a feeling I would destroy that good.  
  
I can't keep hopping from guy to guy, hoping none of them will ever come to care about me. Hoping I can keep them at arms length. Trying to keep that evil I know is out there from attacking me. But I'm not exactly sure how to do it.  
  
There is only one way to keep from hurting people.  
  
// I read the news today oh boy  
  
Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire //  
  
"I can do this," I said to myself, digging through my duffel bag. "I can do this."  
  
When I couldn't find the small item I had been looking for I started to panic. I could do this now. I had the strength at that moment. If I didn't find it soon I wouldn't be able to do it, probably ever.  
  
Pills. I could use pills instead. But I had thrown the last of those down the toilet when they made me all hazy and lethargic. "Damn it!"  
  
I grabbed my duffel bag and threw the contents on the floor of my dressing room. I didn't notice the tears that were coming out of my eyes, streaming down my cheeks.  
  
"There!" I exclaimed, overjoyed because I had found what I wanted. The razor was like an idol for me to worship. I held it in the palm of my hands, like it was some delicate flower.  
  
I walked to the bathroom and stood by the sink. I ran my finger across the edge to test its sharpness. Droplets of blood appeared on the tip of my finger.  
  
"Now or nothing," I said, holding the razor against the skin of my wrist.  
  
// And though the holes were rather small  
  
They had to count them all, //  
  
There was something exciting about the way the razor felt against my skin. It was like I was finally actually fighting against the evil I hated so much. All I wanted was to run it across my skin.  
  
It barely cut anything. It was painful as hell though. I guess in my mind I always pictured it as being a painless, self-sacrificing act. I guess something that is self-sacrificing can never be painless.  
  
"I can do this," I said again. It was my mantra all of a sudden. My reason for living was to show that I could die.  
  
I placed the razor against my wrist again and prepared to slice it across my wrist. I was ready for this. The other side couldn't be worse than this world that has no good in it.  
  
But my brain screamed, "What about Hurricane? What about Spike?"  
  
I closed my eyes against the tears. I had to do this. I had to prove I was strong. A strong person would be able to do this.  
  
And his eyes flashed through my mind's eye.  
  
// Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall, //  
  
"Yeah?" Kurt asked as he answered my knock on his dressing room door. His eyes widened with shock. They were so blue and true in that moment. "Molly?"  
  
"Can I come in?" I asked weakly. I was weak because I was losing blood. Apparently I had cut fairly deeply with the safety razor I had used.  
  
"Yeah," he said, ushering me into his room. "Are you okay?"  
  
"I'm so weak," I said. "I couldn't do it."  
  
His eyes suddenly latched upon my left wrist that I had wrapped in a t- shirt. "Molly? What did you do to yourself?"  
  
"If I had been strong, I would have been able to finish," I said.  
  
He grabbed my arm and unwrapped it. "Holy shit!"  
  
"I should have finished," I said, trying to pull away from him.  
  
"No," he said. "A strong person chooses life Molly. A strong person finds a reason to live, if simply to prove that they are strong."  
  
"So tired," I said, nearly falling. I remember him catching me and then I remember his strong arms banding around me.  
  
"Molly," he whispered. "Don't you dare do this. Live for me. I need you to live for me. I'll go crazy if you give up."  
  
"I don't know," I whispered against his shoulder. I remember him holding me tighter.  
  
And then I remember nothing at all.  
  
// I'd love to turn you on... // 


	3. You Belong to Me

*** Hello again. This chapter I use "You Belong to Me" by Patsy Cline. Now, this song is in general a really nice love song. But I want you to imagine it (if you don't have the song I would really recommend downloading it because I really think it will make a big difference in how you read the fic), anyways, imagine the song in a black and white movie on a static-y radio. That kind of eerie sounding song you hear on a bunch of old movies. Lastly, this chapter contains rather graphic violence and I seriously recommend you not reading if that is going to disturb you. ***  
  
*  
  
// See the pyramids along the Nile  
  
Watch the sunrise on a tropic isle //  
  
"Where are you going tonight sweetheart?" he whispered into my ear. I remember when he would do that when we first started seeing each other. My insides would tingle with pleasure.  
  
"Torrie and I were going to go dance," I said, turning so I could look at his face.  
  
He looked over and smiled at my best friend. "Take care of my girl," he said. He then pulled me into for a brief kiss.  
  
"Behave you two," he said, before walking away.  
  
"I told you he would be fine with you going out with me," Torrie said, laughing at the concern I had voiced to her earlier. "Rob is always wonderful."  
  
"Yeah," I echoed, sounding half-hearted even to myself. But Torrie was already heading down the hall. "Edge and Christian are probably ready already."  
  
"Test and Christian?" I asked her, feeling certain dread. "You didn't tell me they were coming."  
  
"Oh come on Stace," Torrie said, waving away my worry as only someone who doesn't know the whole story can. "They like you just fine."  
  
"They aren't who I'm worried about," I said to myself, looking back toward where Rob had walked down the hall to his dressing room.  
  
// Just remember darlin' all the while  
  
You belong to me //  
  
"Did you have fun without me?" he asked the moment I walked into the room. He switched on the light he was sitting next to. The glow was very dimmed and the lighting made him look rather eerie.  
  
"I never have fun without you baby," I said sweetly.  
  
"Then why did you go?" he asked, pressing his fingers together. His face showed no emotion, so it was impossible for me to determine how to deal with his question.  
  
"It's been a long time since Torrie and I have had time together," I said, setting my jacket on the bed. "We are best friends."  
  
"You were best friends," Rob corrected, getting out of his chair. "I'm your best friend now. Remember Stacy?"  
  
"Of course Rob," I said. "I meant besides you, she's the only person I'm really close to. We've been like sisters."  
  
"And how did you like spending time with Test and Christian?" Rob asked, his brown eyes narrowing as he dropped the boom.  
  
"I didn't know that they were coming Rob, I promise," I said to him. "Torrie didn't tell me until we were on the way to the parking lot."  
  
"You should have told me Stacy," Rob said, a dangerous glint in his eyes. I knew that glint. There was nothing in this world that I feared more than that look.  
  
"I know Rob," I said, holding my arms out toward him to ward off any action he might make. "But Torrie dragged me along."  
  
// See the market place in Old Algiers  
  
Send me photographs and souvenirs //  
  
"You're a lying bitch!" Rob said, lashing his arm out and hitting me across the face. My eye felt like it was going to explode. It was all I could do to stay on my feet.  
  
"Rob," I said, refusing to cry. He liked it when I cried. "I'm sorry. I would have told you, I really would have."  
  
"But you didn't," he said. "It seems like you never learn Stacy. I keep trying to teach you, but you never listen to me."  
  
"I do listen to you Rob," I said, backing up slowly. "I do. Please, please don't hurt me."  
  
"Would you be quiet?" he asked, grabbing my arm and pulling me close to him. He kissed me deeply as he twisted my arm behind my back. "We wouldn't want anyone to think that you were unhappy."  
  
"I'm not," I said, feeling the tears well up in my eyes. "I'm perfectly happy Rob."  
  
"I know you are, but other people don't know that," Rob said.  
  
"Rob, you're hurting me," I said. He proceeded to push my arm farther behind my back. He smiled cruelly as a tear slid down my cheek.  
  
"I'm not hurting you," he said, as he licked the tear off of my cheek. "I'm helping you Stacy. I'm helping you become a better person."  
  
// Just remember when a dream appears  
  
You belong to me //  
  
He threw me towards the ground. My arm hit the leg of the table and I could tell there would be a big bruise there the next day. I looked up to see him smirking down at me.  
  
"A dog learns quicker than you do," he said. He kicked at my abdomen with his booted foot.  
  
"I learn," I cried as I rolled into a ball to protect myself.  
  
"You never learn Stacy," Rob said, bending down so he could deliver a hard punch to my gut. He took a large chunk of my hair and pulled my head backwards so he could look into my arms. "Do you think I would do this to you if you learned?"  
  
"I don't know," I cried. I was ashamed of the tears in my eyes. I was so weak where he was concerned. I let him hurt me. I never fought back. And I showed him when he hurt me.  
  
"Get off the floor you dirty bitch," he said.  
  
I scrambled off the floor as best I could. I wanted to cradle my arm that had been both twisted and then hit the table, but I knew better.  
  
"Just, go clean that slutty make-up off," he said.  
  
I nodded my head and walked toward the bathroom quickly.  
  
// I'll be so alone without you  
  
Maybe you'll be lonesome too, and blue //  
  
"Stacy!" I heard a voice call to me from down the hall. I turned around to see Christian jogging down the hall of the hotel.  
  
"Hi Christian," I said shyly. I combed a piece of my hair behind my ear as I waited for him to catch up with me.  
  
"Are you on the way to the arena?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah," I said, nodding my head.  
  
"Great," Christian said.  
  
"Why don't we ride the elevator down together?" he asked.  
  
I looked down the hall and then nodded. "Okay."  
  
"Are you in a match tonight?" he asked, drumming his fingers on the panel of buttons to get the elevator to your floor.  
  
"Yeah," I said, inwardly wincing. Whenever I had a match, Rob was invariably rough with me. It was an excuse for him. There was an easy explanation for any bruises I might acquire during the night. "I'm facing Lita."  
  
"Ouch," Christian said sympathetically. "I've been on the receiving end of one or two of her moves."  
  
He smiled in a way that reminded me of Rob when I had first met him. He had seemed so friendly and helpful. He never seemed to have a bad thing to say. He was all that was right with the world. And sometimes I still see that Rob. It's the only reason I don't try to leave him.  
  
And because I'm too weak. I mean, he chose me. No one else could ever see anything good in me. Yet, Rob Van Dam, that remarkable athlete, saw something. Something worth loving.  
  
// Fly the ocean in a silver plane  
  
See the jungle when it's wet with rain //  
  
"There you are," Rob said, as I stepped out of the elevator with Christian. He grabbed my arm, a lot more roughly than he normally did in public. "Hello Christian."  
  
"Hey Rob," Christian said easily. He looked at me for a moment. I saw something flash in his eyes, something that almost seemed like concern.  
  
"We're late," Rob explained to Christian.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry," Christian said. "I should have asked Stacy if she had somewhere to be instead of just trapping her in a conversation."  
  
"It's no big deal," Rob shrugged. "You ready?"  
  
"Yeah," I said softly, nodding my head.  
  
"Good-bye Christian," Rob said, pulling me towards the door.  
  
"Bye Christian," I said, looking behind me.  
  
"Bye," Christian called after us.  
  
"Spending a lot of time with Christian recently, aren't you?" Rob asked, speaking low so no one but me could hear the angry note in his voice.  
  
"We just ran into each other at the elevator," I said.  
  
He squeezed his hand tighter around my arm. "Do you try to make me angry?" he asked, his voice lethal.  
  
"No Rob," I said. "I love you."  
  
"You should," Rob said. "Because no one but me could ever love you."  
  
// Just remember 'til you're home again  
  
You belong to me //  
  
"Stacy?" a soft voice asked from the door of my dressing room.  
  
My head whirled to the voice. "Christian!" I exclaimed. "You can't be in here!"  
  
"Why not?" Christian asked. "None of the other girls have ever kicked me out of their room before."  
  
"Rob's coming," I said. "If he sees you he'll be mad at me."  
  
"What's he going to do?" Christian asked. "Yell at you?"  
  
"Please, just go," I pleaded with him.  
  
"What's wrong Stacy?" Christian asked.  
  
"You can't be here," I said, tears of frustration filling my eyes. "Why can't you leave?"  
  
"Rob hits you, doesn't he?" Christian asked, nodding as if his worst suspicions were true.  
  
"Just go!" I exclaimed.  
  
"Don't let him hurt you Stacy," Christian said. "You deserve better than that."  
  
"He loves me!" I exclaimed. "No one else loves me! You couldn't possibly understand Christian."  
  
"I could try," Christian offered.  
  
"Will you please just leave me alone?" I asked. "Then everything can be better."  
  
// I'll be so alone without you  
  
Maybe you'll be lonesome too, and blue //  
  
"What would you do if I left you?" Rob asked me in the middle of the night. His hand was laying loosely around my throat.  
  
"I don't know," I said.  
  
"That's not good enough," he said, his hand tightening just a bit around my neck.  
  
I felt panic rise inside of me. I never thought he would do something like strangle me. He had so much over power over me. It was almost scary.  
  
"I don't know Rob," I said, trying to move away from him.  
  
"Think," he said, squeezing a little tighter.  
  
"I would be miserable," I said, feeling my breathing become labored.  
  
"What else?" he asked, squeezing even tighter.  
  
"I can't, can't…" I coughed, unable to breathe.  
  
"You better think Stacy," Rob said. "The brain can only stand having no oxygen for about four minutes."  
  
"I, I would die," I said, hoping that was what he wanted to hear. "I would kill myself."  
  
"Good girl," he said, releasing my neck before kissing me deeply.  
  
// Fly the ocean in a silver plane  
  
See the jungle when it's wet with rain //  
  
"I don't know how I ever could have thought you were pretty," Rob yelled as he punched me in the face.  
  
"What did I do?" I cried. I had just come into the hotel room from the ice machine and he attacked me.  
  
"You're such a bitch!" he exclaimed, punching me in the gut. I fell onto the floor, crumpled up in pain. I felt the ice that had fallen from the bucket I had dropped. "I know you are sleeping with Test behind my back!"  
  
"No!" I exclaimed. "No, I love you Rob!"  
  
"You lying bitch!" he exclaimed. He kicked me several times.  
  
"How can you do this to me?" I asked between tears. "You love me!"  
  
"You stupid little whore," he yelled. He picked up my head and then slammed it against the floor. "No one could ever love you."  
  
"Please Rob," I cried. "Don't. I love you."  
  
He picked me up off of the floor and dragged me towards the door. He opened it and then threw me out of the room and into the opposing wall.  
  
"Stay the hell away from me," he said.  
  
// Just remember 'til you're home again //  
  
I was sobbing, laying on the ground of the hotel hall. I felt a warm, sticky liquid on my face coming from my nose and my temple, which could only be blood. My blood.  
  
I wanted to die. I had never actually wanted to die before.  
  
I picked myself off of the floor. I stumbled when I tried to walk because I had sprained my ankle when I was thrown across the hall. I stood straight and limped down the hallway.  
  
I knocked at the door where I knew I would find a friendly face.  
  
"Stacy!" Christian exclaimed, horrified at the sight of me. "What happened?"  
  
"He kicked me out," I said simply, before fainting into his arms.  
  
// You belong to me //  
  
*** No, I don't hate RVD. I just wanted a different bad guy for a change. Mine tend to be HHH and well, HHH. *** 


	4. Brick

*** I hope you guys are enjoying this series so far. I realize that it's kind of depressing, but I was listening to depressing songs…so, here's the product. The song in this chapter is "Brick" by Ben Folds Five. ***  
  
*  
  
// 6 am day after Christmas  
  
I throw some clothes on in the dark //  
  
"You ready?" he asked me. His voice was soft, but I could hear the touch of hurt in his voice.  
  
"Yeah," I said, nodding. I couldn't look into his eyes. I couldn't see the look of betrayal in his eyes that had been there since I had told him about my decision.  
  
At least I told him what I was going to do. At least I didn't just go and do it by myself. Of course, it might have been fairer to him. Maybe he would have been able to live like the world hadn't come crashing down.  
  
// The smell of cold  
  
Car seat is freezing //  
  
I looked over at him and watched the muscles in his cheek contract and reflex. I wanted to tell him to stop grinding his teeth, but I couldn't. He was hurting.  
  
"Matt?" I asked softly.  
  
"Yeah?" he asked, not taking his eyes off of the road.  
  
"Are you okay?" I asked.  
  
"Do you want the truth?" Matt asked.  
  
"I don't know," I answered honestly.  
  
// The world is sleeping  
  
I am numb //  
  
I had found out about two weeks earlier. I hadn't told a soul, except for Matt. I thought he would want to know. Even if we had broken up. He was overjoyed. I was absolutely shocked. I mean, I know he tried to get revenge on the Undertaker after what he did to Jeff and I, but we weren't back together or anything.  
  
But I had a career to think about. I told him that. I also told him that he should understand better than anyone what the business was like. We all know our active period is short. And something like this, I might never come back from.  
  
But I still don't think he understood where I was coming from.  
  
// Up the stairs to the apartment  
  
She is balled up on the couch //  
  
A silent tear ran down my cheek as I thought about what I could have had. Matt had already proposed to me. If I was pregnant then he wanted us to be a family. He was ready to find a realtor and get us a house.  
  
There was love in his eyes. Love for me. Love for our unborn child. But I couldn't believe it would stay there. I couldn't believe Matt would always love me. And then I would start to hate my child because it was the reason I stayed with Matt. And the poor kid would be miserable. It happened all the time. I wouldn't let it happen to me.  
  
But in making my decision, I might have drastically changed any chance at future happiness that Matt and I had.  
  
// Her mom and dad went down to Charlotte  
  
They're not home to find us out  
  
And we drive //  
  
"Matt, there can always be other children," I said to him when he refused to see my point of view.  
  
"But what about this one?" Matt asked. "Do you think you'll be able to forget this baby?"  
  
"I don't know," I said, feeling very frustrated. "I don't think my career should take a backseat to having a family. I'm not ready to give up my career yet."  
  
"And I don't think a family should take a backseat to a career," Matt said.  
  
"Then I guess we're agreed," I said.  
  
"Not really," Matt said, sighing in defeat. "But it's your body."  
  
"Yeah," I murmured, knowing Matt hated what was going to happen.  
  
// Now that I have found someone  
  
I'm feeling more alone  
  
Than I ever have before //  
  
If none of the stuff leading up to Armageddon had never happened then I would probably have decided differently. I mean, before Matt developed a wandering eye and a jealousy complex, I thought we would last forever. And I've never believed in forever.  
  
But that all did happen. I can't just turn the trust switch on again. I can't just blindly believe that he loves me. I care about him, I probably still love him. But I'm not going to let him have the rest of my life.  
  
But the problem with that is that I do love him. And I know that once I made the decision to have an abortion, nothing between us would ever be the same. But that's a decision I had to make for myself.  
  
// She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly  
  
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere  
  
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly //  
  
He helped me out of the car. He saw the tear marks running down my cheeks. He softly touched his lips to mine. "Baby, you don't have to do this," Matt said. "You can wait."  
  
"I have to Matt," I said. "If I don't do this now…"  
  
"Is that so bad?" Matt asked, pushing a strand of my hair behind my ear and leaning his forehead on mine. "I love you Leet. I will take care of you."  
  
"I know you would," I said. "But I don't want us to hate each other Matt. I don't want to be in a perfect house five years from now, angry because you have the career and I'm at home with a baby."  
  
"It doesn't have to be that way," Matt said.  
  
"But it would be," I answered sadly.  
  
// They call her name at 7:30  
  
I pace around the parking lot //  
  
"Can I go with her?" Matt asked the doctor when my name was called.  
  
"She's going to be put under," the doctor said. "We discourage having people in the room during the procedure."  
  
Matt squeezed my hand in his. "Be strong Red."  
  
"Tell me everything is going to be okay," I whispered to him as I hugged him close.  
  
"It's all going to be okay Lita," Matt said, returning my hug.  
  
I let the doctor lead me to the back and I looked over my shoulder to see Matt rooted to his spot, tears in his eyes.  
  
// Then I walk down to buy her flowers  
  
And sell some gifts that I got //  
  
"I got you these," Matt said as he stood in front of my wheelchair. He handed me a bouquet of orchids.  
  
"Thanks," I said dully, taking the flowers from his hand.  
  
"Lets get you home," he said, taking position behind the wheelchair and pushing me out towards the parking lot.  
  
I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I wanted to ask Matt to just hold me, but no words would come out of my mouth. I knew if I asked, Matt would do anything. But I couldn't.  
  
"You want something to eat baby?" he asked. It was strange how he was so vocally opposed to me having an abortion, but he was ready to take care of me.  
  
"No," I said. I was staring out of the window again. I couldn't look at Matt and let him my own heart was broken too.  
  
// Can't you see  
  
It's not me you're dying for //  
  
I've known plenty of people who have had abortions before. A couple of the other Divas have had them. I wouldn't say that they weren't affected it by it, but they didn't seem like they were dying. It didn't seem like they felt like a huge chunk of themselves had been ripped out of them.  
  
The worst part is that I gave it away. I let my baby be taken away from me. Hell, I shoved it away from me.  
  
If I had known beforehand what they meant when they said abortion left one dead and one walking wounded, I might have listened to Matt. Everyday, I wonder what the baby might have looked like. I wonder what kind of parents Matt and I would have been.  
  
And I know I made a mistake.  
  
// Now she's feeling more alone  
  
Than she ever has before //  
  
I can't talk to Matt about it though. I can't admit to him that I was so wrong. I can't tell him that I should have listened closer to him. I didn't realize how precious a child is.  
  
I wish I had someone to talk to. I don't make sense, even to myself anymore. I kind of live in this world where I made a decision that changed my life, but I can't get past it or over it.  
  
And I'm stuck in between the life I chose and the life I didn't realize I wanted.  
  
// She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly  
  
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere  
  
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly //  
  
Matt had been wonderful, even though I know it hurts him to stay with me. He won't leave me. He tries to make my life as easy as possible. He was the one who arranged for us all to come back at Royal Rumble.  
  
But it hurts me to be around him too. I know that if I had listened to him I wouldn't be feeling this gut-wrenching pain. I wouldn't be miserable most of the time. But I love him so much for staying with me and trying to help me through all of this.  
  
If I had realized my love for him had never changed, I might have chosen differently. I might have been his wife and we might have been preparing for a baby. I know he would have been the best father in the world. It's so strange how you can see things after the fact.  
  
Why can't you see clearly in the midst of a decision.  
  
// As weeks went by  
  
It showed that she was not fine //  
  
"Lita!" Matt called to me. "Lita, come on!"  
  
"No!" I said, not raising my head from the bed.  
  
"Lita, you have to come with us to the show," Matt said, sitting next to me on the bed. He brushed hair away from my neck. "What's wrong?"  
  
"I'm so…lost Matt," I said, looking up.  
  
"Have you been crying?" Matt asked, his hand skimming my tear-stained cheeks.  
  
"Just a little," I said.  
  
"Okay, I'll figure something out," Matt said, patting me on the back. "You go ahead and stay here. I'll think up something to tell Vince."  
  
"Thanks," I said.  
  
// They told me son, it's time to tell the truth  
  
She broke down, and I broke down  
  
Cause I was tired of lying //  
  
"What's wrong with Lita?" Trish asked Jeff as they walked out of the dressing room together. I was on a chair, kind of balled up. I hadn't said a word to my friend while she had been in the room.  
  
"I don't know," Jeff said. "Matt's been acting strange too."  
  
"You don't think they are having problems again, do you?" Trish asked. "Oh, hey Matt."  
  
"Hey, where's Lita?" Matt asked.  
  
"In the room," Jeff said. "What's wrong with her man?"  
  
"What do you mean?" Matt asked. I could hear the guilt in his voice for pretending not to know exactly what his brother was talking about.  
  
"I mean she's been acting strange for awhile," Jeff said.  
  
I got out of my chair and I opened the door. "I killed my baby! Okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?"  
  
"Baby," Matt said, looking at me with eyes filled with concern.  
  
"I'm sorry," I said to him, tears streaming down my cheeks. He shook his head and pulled me into his arms.  
  
// Driving home to her apartment  
  
For a moment we're alone //  
  
"I love you Matt," I said to him.  
  
"I know you do sweetheart," Matt said, taking my hand into his own.  
  
"That's why I'm leaving you," I said.  
  
"What?" he asked, in shock.  
  
"I mean, we're both miserable," I said. "We'll never get over what happened. We'll never be the same with each other."  
  
"But, I love you Lita," Matt said.  
  
"I know," I said. "But it hurts me to hurt you. And that's what we're doing by staying together."  
  
// Yeah she's alone  
  
I'm alone  
  
Now I know it //  
  
I watched him walk out of the room after he had tried several times to convince me not to break us apart. But I couldn't make him stay with me anymore.  
  
I just had to figure out a way to move on myself. If that was possible at all.  
  
// She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly  
  
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere  
  
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly // 


	5. Only God Knows Why

*** This chapter is for Sassy Lil Scorpio, though no one knows when she might read it. Anyways, it's for her! The song is "Only God Knows Why" by Kid Rock ***  
  
// I've been sittin' here  
  
Tryin' to find myself //  
  
I looked at the phone. It was beeping loudly because I still hadn't hung the damn receiver up. I wasn't even sure I could move. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.  
  
They couldn't be right. It didn't happen. I was going to wake up at any moment and realize that it had all been a dream. What my family told me totally changed my life. Nothing would ever be the same if they were right.  
  
The incessant beeping finally got to me. Instead of hanging it up like a normal person, I reacted like I normally do to stuff that really pisses me off. Violently. I tore the phone off of its hook and threw it across the room into the wall.  
  
// I get behind myself  
  
I need to rewind myself //  
  
"You okay?" Ivory asked me asked she rushed into the room.  
  
I looked blankly at her. "What do you mean?"  
  
"I mean that!" Ivory exclaimed, pointing at the hole in the wall. The hole from where I had thrown the phone. "I heard the crash from down the hall."  
  
"I got some news," I answered.  
  
"I'm guessing it was bad," Ivory said, sympathy on her voice. "Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
"Not really," I answered.  
  
"I'm here if you need a shoulder or whatever," Ivory said, smiling sweetly.  
  
"Thanks," I said.  
  
// Lookin' for the payback  
  
Listen for the playback  
  
They say that every man bleeds just like me //  
  
I walked down to the ring, ready to kick some ass. Maybe it would help me release some of my anguish. Anguish is a funny word. It's like anger and extinguish together. But anguish sure as hell doesn't extinguish any of my anger.  
  
I stare down Trish Stratus. Lucky bitch, she's going to get another ass- whooping courtesy of me.  
  
"Bring it at me bitch," I said to her, so just she could hear me. "I'm ready to make you feel like a weak little bitch."  
  
Fire burned through her eyes before she leaped at me and attacked me. I sure hoped she brought everything she's got, because I'm hoping for a good fight.  
  
// And now I feel like number one  
  
Yet I'm last in life //  
  
I heard the bell ring. There hadn't been a damn pin yet, how could the bell ring. I looked down to see Trish crumpled in the middle of the ring. She wasn't moving much.  
  
"Shit," I muttered to myself. I turned around, leaving the woman lying the center of the ring.  
  
I walked to the back, shaking my head at myself. I didn't mind bringing emotions into the ring, but the girl didn't deserve that. I don't like her, but I know she works hard. She wants to be a good wrestler. More than I can say for those two ex-WCW girls…Torrie and Stacy.  
  
They probably don't have any idea what pain is. What gut wrenching, crushing pain is. But, they are beautiful and everything was handed to them on a silver platter.  
  
// I watch my younger son  
  
And it helps to pass the time //  
  
"What the hell were you doing?" an enraged Jeff Hardy exclaimed as he burst into my dressing room.  
  
"Boy, if you don't think I can whoop your ass then you've got another thing coming," I said, continuing to towel the sweat off of myself.  
  
"Why did you do that to Trish?" Jeff asked. "What the hell has she ever done to you? Why do you keep tormenting her?"  
  
"Why do you care?" I asked him, not wanting to have to explain anything. "Isn't she Rocky's little woman?"  
  
"Trish and I are friends," Jeff said. "So I'm going to warn you as her friend, the next time you do that to Trish is when you're going to find yourself in a match against me."  
  
"I'm shaking in my boots," I said. "Just leave."  
  
// I take too many pills it helps to ease the pain  
  
I made a couple of dollar bills still I feel the same //  
  
I walked over to my mirror after I took my shower and looked in the mirror. No, I wasn't beautiful, at least not like the other girls in the Federation. Of course, I was the strongest. And the most talented. Only Jackie, Ivory, and Molly even came close to my talent. And they were still pretty much a world behind me.  
  
It's not that I'm conceited. I just worked my ass off to become the best female wrestler in the world. My sister had helped me to pay for my training and I promised her that I would be the best. My sister always believed in me.  
  
I wondered if any of the other Divas thought I knew what pain was. I seemed so impassive all of the time. Even when I was angry, I kept myself under control.  
  
But now I was furious and I had a feeling it would be harder to keep a hold on my emotions. That could only mean trouble.  
  
// Everybody knows my name  
  
They say it way out loud //  
  
"Jazz, last week you really did a number on Trish," Michael Cole said, approaching me backstage with a microphone and a camera.  
  
"I don't want to talk about it," I said, walking past him.  
  
"But Jazz," Michael said, running after me. "You have a rematch tonight. Will you go easy on Trish this time."  
  
I whirled around and took him up by his shirt and shoved him against a wall. "What part of 'I don't want to talk about it' don't you understand?"  
  
"Um, sorry," Michael said, fear obvious in his eyes.  
  
I released him and walked away. No one else could tell, but I was disgusted with myself.  
  
// A lot of folks fuck with me  
  
It's hard to hang out in crowds //  
  
"You don't drink," Ivory said as she dropped next to me at the bar in the hotel.  
  
"I do tonight," I replied, taking another drink from the beer I had ordered.  
  
"Have something to forget Jazz?" she asked.  
  
"Leave it alone," I said, a dangerous edge to my voice.  
  
"You don't have to tell me twice," Ivory said.  
  
We both turned at a loud laugh from a booth in the corner. We saw Stacy trying to pull Torrie from the booth. "C'mon Tor, it's time for bed."  
  
"Aw, Stace," Torrie giggled, "I'm having so much fun."  
  
// I guess that's the price you pay  
  
To be some big shot like I am  
  
Outstretched hands and one night stands //  
  
Stacy looked around the bar and her eyes settled on us. "Can you guys help me please?"  
  
"Yeah sure," Ivory said, getting out of her seat. I followed suit.  
  
"Thanks," Stacy said gratefully. "Mr. McMahon said she would be fired if she got plastered like this and he had to deal with hotel management."  
  
"She does this a lot?" I asked.  
  
"I guess," Stacy shrugged.  
  
"Well, lets get her upstairs," I said, hefting her into my arms.  
  
// Still I can't find love  
  
And when your walls come tumbling down  
  
I will always be around //  
  
I helped Stacy get Torrie into bed and then I walked to my room alone. I had helped a drunk get into bed too many times in my life.  
  
First it had been my mother. I was about ten when I realized that when she came home, hobbling and swaying crazily, she had been drinking. By the time I was sixteen that was the story about four or five nights a week.  
  
Then, after Momma died from a liver disorder, it had been just me and Lily, my older sister. Lily was fine until her husband left her for her best friend. Of course she married him when she was seventeen. She had been pregnant at the time, but he threw her down the stairs one night, after he had come home high.  
  
Then Lily started taking after Momma.  
  
// And when your walls come tumbling down  
  
I will always be around //  
  
Lily was my hero when I was little. She was so beautiful. Everyone loved Lily and she was never mean. Momma liked to play rough when she was drunk, but Lily would keep her from touching me.  
  
But Lily started drinking just as I got involved in wrestling. She wasn't a mean drunk like Momma. She even realized she was starting to drink too much and she started doing the whole AA thing. I tried to make sure everything was going okay.  
  
It was hard, me traveling all over the country and Lily back at home, taking care of Grannie. But as far as I knew, Lily was doing just fine. I was sending money home and I was calling every day.  
  
// People don't know about the things I say and do  
  
They don't understand about the shit that I've been through //  
  
And now she was gone. Grannie said that the doctors found high levels of heroin in her blood. Lily was doing drugs. It didn't seem right that beautiful Lily would waste her life on drugs. She had so much going for her. She was smart, friendly, and so pretty.  
  
I guess looks aren't all there is to life. It's easy to think it is when you don't look like the beautiful people. It's easy to think the key to having a good life is to be gorgeous. Maybe if I thought about it a little more I would have realized it's just as hard to be pretty.  
  
But it doesn't change the fact that Lily is gone and I didn't stop her. I should have known something was wrong with her. I should have seen that she was doing drugs.  
  
// It's been so long since I've been home  
  
I've been gone....I've been gone for way too long //  
  
The funeral was hell. I was glad I was only home for two days. A day and a half really. My cousins agreed to take care of Grannie and I'll just send them money to take care of her. I really couldn't afford to stop wrestling yet. And I promised Lily I would be the best.  
  
Seeing her dead hit me real hard. I guess I didn't think about how much more real it would make the whole situation. Part of me thought it was a dream still. But beautiful Lily was dead and it was my fault because I wasn't the sister she needed.  
  
I don't know if I'll ever be able to go home again, even to visit Lily.  
  
// Maybe I forgot all things I miss  
  
Oh somehow I know there's more to life than this //  
  
I wrapped tape around my wrist. There was a light knock on the door and I turned to see Trish Stratus coming into the room.  
  
"What the hell do you want?" I asked, angry that she would intrude in my sanctuary.  
  
"I was talking to Ivory," Trish said timidly. "We think something's wrong Jazz. We think you should talk to someone."  
  
"That's fresh," I said, laughing derisively at the blond. "You helping me?"  
  
"Look Jazz, you've been really careless in the ring lately," Trish said. "I don't want to see you or anyone else getting hurt because you're getting sloppy."  
  
// I said it too many times  
  
And I still stand firm  
  
You get what you put in  
  
And people get what they deserve //  
  
"You just pay attention to your own wrestling okay?" I asked the blond woman, not expecting an answer.  
  
"Look, I'm coming to you here," Trish said. "I could have gone straight to Ric."  
  
"He would just love to get me out of the WWF wouldn't he?" I asked.  
  
"No he wouldn't," Trish said. "Because you are good. At least, sometimes you are. You're an asset to the company, no matter how much we may dislike you."  
  
"Thanks so much," I said. "But stay out of my business."  
  
"Fine," Trish said. "But if you don't clean up soon I will talk to Flair."  
  
// Still I ain't seen mine  
  
No I ain't seen mine  
  
I've been giving just ain't been gettin' //  
  
Trish Stratus was noticing that I was wrestling for shit? Yeah, I knew I let my personal problems interfere with my work, but who the hell doesn't?  
  
And I had real problems. It wasn't that I had broken up with my boyfriend or some ridiculous situation like that. My sister was dead and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't be there for the one person who actually cared about me.  
  
And I was so lost. I felt like I had no purpose anymore. What was the point in being the best if Lily wasn't there to see it? Why did I even care? Did I even care?  
  
// I've been walking down that line  
  
So I think I'll keep on walking  
  
With my head held high //  
  
All I want to do is just stop everything around me. I don't have a purpose, so really, I'm not living anymore. I'm just kind of there.  
  
And I don't how much longer I can do that.  
  
// I'll keep moving on and only God knows why  
  
Only God...only God  
  
Only God knows why // 


	6. Open Fire

*** The song is "Ana's Song (Open Fire)" by Silverchair. ***  
  
// Please die Ana  
  
For as long as you're here we're not //  
  
"Should you really be eating that?" he asked. He looked down at the greasy piece of pizza in my hand and wrinkled his nose in disgust.  
  
"It's good," I said, smiling up at him.  
  
"Well, we'll see how good you think it is when your hips inflate," he said, turning away from me.  
  
"It's just a piece of pizza sweetie," I said, setting it down and wiping my hands on a napkin. I got up and walked after him. "It's not like I'm gorging myself."  
  
"Well, you have been putting on a little weight," he said, turning back around and looking pointedly at my hips and stomach.  
  
I blushed deeply with embarrassment. "Hey," I whispered. "That's not something you need to point out."  
  
"Can you deny it?" he asked.  
  
// You make the sound of laughter  
  
and sharpened nails seem softer //  
  
I left the room we were sharing and walked down the hall to Lillian's room. We had become friends during the whole Alliance thing. Kurt had made all of the WWF Divas pair up and make sure that they were safe at all times. He had taken it upon himself to pair us up. I had ended up with Lillian.  
  
It was probably the smartest thing Kurt had ever done. Of course it all hit the fan when Jackie's buddy, Molly, defected.  
  
"What's wrong sweetie?" Lillian asked as she opened her door.  
  
"He, he called me fat," I blurted out.  
  
An outraged look crossed her face and I instantly regretted what I had said. "I mean, he's right. I have been putting on some weight."  
  
"You look healthy," Lillian insisted.  
  
"That's just a nice way of saying I've put on weight," I said.  
  
"No it isn't," Lillian said, putting her hands on her hips. "You want me to get a cot up here tonight?"  
  
"No," I said, shaking my head. "I'll go back."  
  
// And I need you now somehow  
  
And I need you now somehow //  
  
"Hey," I whispered to him when I crawled into bed next to him later that night.  
  
"I was wondering if you would come back," he said, turning towards me.  
  
"I would have called if I was going to stay at Lillian's," I said.  
  
"Lillian?" he asked with amusement in his eyes.  
  
"Get your mind out of the gutter," I said playfully, stretching out next to him. "I'm the only one who gets your strudel."  
  
"Sounds like a plan to me," he said, cocking that eyebrow at me. "But was that jealousy there?"  
  
"No," I said, shaking my head. "Well, maybe a little."  
  
"You don't need to worry," he said, kissing me deeply.  
  
"I love you Rocky," I sighed in utter contentment.  
  
// Open fire on the needs designed  
  
On my knees for you //  
  
"You want a cookie?" Lita asked me.  
  
"No thanks," I said, shaking my head. "I'm full."  
  
"You've only had water all day," Lita said.  
  
"And it's been a lot of water," I said. "I'm just not hungry."  
  
"Well, promise to eat before your match tonight," Lita said.  
  
"Okay," I said, looking down at my feet.  
  
"I've got to go talk to Vince," Lita said. "I've got to tell him about me and Matt."  
  
"I'm sorry Lita," I said, knowing the end of her relationship with Matt had hit her hard, no matter how strong she was acting.  
  
"Hey," Lita said, shaking her head sadly. "Shit happens, right?"  
  
// Open fire on my knees desires  
  
What I need from you //  
  
"Hey gorgeous," he said, enveloping me with an embrace from behind. I leaned into him, loving the solid feel of him.  
  
"Hey yourself," I said.  
  
"Did you hear what Vince changed your match to tonight?" he asked, a note of amusement in his voice."  
  
"No," I said, feeling very suspicious.  
  
"Bra-and-panties," he said.  
  
"Damn him!" I exclaimed. "I'm so sick of these bull-shit matches! I've worked so damn hard to become a legitimate wrestler and he sticks me in these degrading matches!"  
  
"Sweetie," he said, putting a hand on my arm to restrain me. "It's what the people want. Don't get mad because you don't want all of your flab hanging out there."  
  
// Imagine a pageant  
  
In my head the flesh seems thicker //  
  
"What?" I asked him, feeling horror at the implication of his statement.  
  
"You heard me," he said. "You've become lazy. You've gained weight. Don't you work out while I'm off filming movies?"  
  
"You bastard," I said through tears. "I work just as hard as you."  
  
"Doubtful," he said.  
  
"Why do you have to do that?" I asked, feeling hurt and confused. "Why do you always have to tear me down?"  
  
"I'm not tearing you down sweetie," he said patiently, like he was my teacher. "I'm just pointing out areas that need improvement. I love you, so I want you to be your best."  
  
"You love me?" I asked doubtfully.  
  
"How can you doubt it?" he asked.  
  
// Sandpaper tears corrode the filth //  
  
"I don't know," I said, shaking my head. Tears were still streaming down my cheeks. "But no girl wants to hear her boyfriend call her fat."  
  
"I'm just honest," he shrugged. "I mean, can you honestly say you're in the best shape you've ever been in?"  
  
"I don't know," I shrugged.  
  
"I would hope you would act the same way with me," he said. "I mean, I've had lypo before."  
  
"You have?" I asked.  
  
"Yeah," he said. "In this business you've got to look perfect."  
  
"I just want to me," I said, tears coursing down my cheeks.  
  
"Why can't that you be skinny?" he asked.  
  
// And I need you now somehow  
  
And I need you now somehow //  
  
I wish I didn't love him so much. I wish that I could hate him for all of the snide comments he makes about how much I weigh, the clothes I wear, how I do my hair. But I do love him. I wouldn't stay with him if I didn't.  
  
And he loves me too. He says he does. I mean, he's wonderful most of the time. And he's so amazing. I mean, he's The Rock. Sometimes I pinch myself when it becomes hard to believe that he loves me.  
  
I know he's right too. I could watch what I eat a little better. I could work out a little more. It wouldn't take all that much. And I could only be the better for it. He really is just watching out for me.  
  
So I'll do what it takes to make him happy.  
  
// Open fire on the needs designed  
  
On my knees for you //  
  
"Hey Trish," a voice with a lilting accent said from behind me.  
  
"Jeff!" I said happily, turning around to see my friend.  
  
"How are you doing?" he asked, getting a sandwich from the table behind me.  
  
"I'm good," I said, twisting the cap off of my water bottle and taking a swig. "How about you?"  
  
"I'm okay," he nodded. "You getting anything to eat?"  
  
"Nah," I said. "But I'll sit with you while you eat."  
  
"Okay," he said.  
  
We talked for awhile. We had been on the verge of going out for like a snap in the time continuum. Then there was Rocky. He saved me from being humiliated at the hands of Vince, we went out on a couple of dates, and the rest is history.  
  
I stood up from the table and I swayed dizzily.  
  
"Trish!" Jeff exclaimed, darting from his own seat to catch me before I fell to the ground.  
  
// Open fire on my knees desires  
  
What I need from you //  
  
"You okay?" Jeff asked, as he held me against his chest.  
  
"Yeah," I said, pushing away from him lightly.  
  
"Why don't you sit down for a second," Jeff said, pushing me back toward my seat.  
  
"I'm fine Jeff," I said, even as I felt beads of sweat break out on my forehead. "Really."  
  
"Let me be concerned okay?" Jeff asked.  
  
"Fine," I said, resting against the back of the chair.  
  
"What have you eaten today?" he asked.  
  
"I ate…breakfast," I said. "It was big."  
  
"Okay," Jeff said, not sounding entirely sure.  
  
"I probably just stood up too fast and got lightheaded," I said.  
  
"If you say so," he said. "Let me walk you back to your dressing room."  
  
// And you're my obsession  
  
I love you to the bones //  
  
"How's Rocky doing?" Jeff asked softly as we walked down the hallway.  
  
"He's wonderful," I said, sounding sickeningly sweet even to myself.  
  
"Great," Jeff said. "You deserve wonderful."  
  
I looked over at him in shock. He was looking forward, no emotion discernable on his face. "Thanks," I said softly. I then looked down at my feet.  
  
Suddenly, Jeff stopped walking.  
  
"What?" I asked. I looked at him to see his vision transfixed by something.  
  
"Did you say wonderful?" Jeff asked.  
  
My head whipped to where Jeff was looking. My mouth opened as I watch Torrie Wilson lean against the wall, a man bracing himself with his hands on the wall on either side of her. Standing a foot away from her.  
  
Torrie laughed hysterically and I went crazy.  
  
// And Ana wrecks your life  
  
Like an Anorexia life //  
  
"Trish!" I vaguely heard Jeff exclaim behind me.  
  
Rocky turned at the sound of Jeff calling toward me. I was bearing down on them quickly.  
  
"Hey baby," he said smoothly. "How are you doing?"  
  
"How can you pretending you weren't just standing awfully close to Torrie?" I asked, fury laced on my voice. "Did you ask her if she likes strudel?"  
  
"Jesus Trish!" he exclaimed. "I was just talking to her. About diet tips for you actually."  
  
I probably turned purple with rage. "You are a fucking bastard!"  
  
"Better than being a fat cow!" he called after me.  
  
"She's not fat!" Jeff exclaimed.  
  
"She's a cow," Rocky snorted. "Don't come crawling back to me you fat bitch!"  
  
I just kept walking down the hall, tears streaming down my face.  
  
// Open fire on the needs designed  
  
On my knees for you //  
  
I walked back to my lockerroom and promptly found myself on my knees next to the toilet. I felt a cool rag on the back of my neck. I jumped in shock and turned to see Jeff standing there.  
  
"You aren't fat," Jeff said, trying to assure me.  
  
"Sure," I said.  
  
"You aren't," he said.  
  
"I love him," I said to Jeff. "And he loves me. He wouldn't say that stuff if it wasn't true."  
  
"He says it to keep you down Trish," Jeff said. "To keep you from realizing what a prick he is."  
  
"He's not always like that Jeff," I said.  
  
"Yeah, he is," Jeff said.  
  
"Jeff," I said, feeling suddenly woozy. "I don't feel so good."  
  
// Open fire on my knees desires  
  
What I need from you //  
  
"Lets go," Jeff said, pulling me to my feet and half-carrying me from the dressing room.  
  
"Where are we going?" I asked him, suddenly feeling very hazy.  
  
"To the trainer," Jeff said. "And then to the hospital."  
  
"I don't need to go to the hospital," I said.  
  
"Yeah, I think you probably do," he said. "I think you've probably been starving yourself to stay skinny."  
  
"Stay skinny?" I snorted. "I'm fat Jeff."  
  
"You aren't fat," Jeff said.  
  
"Whatever," I said.  
  
// Open fire on the needs designed  
  
Open fire on my knees desires //  
  
"You can go home Jeff," I said to him. He was sitting in a plastic chair. I was lying in a hospital bed. The trainer had insisted that I go.  
  
"No," Jeff said resolutely.  
  
"Really Jeff," I said. "The doctor even said I wasn't that far gone."  
  
"What the doctor said is that you've been eating at sub-par levels for an indeterminable amount of time," Jeff said. "And I'm going to be right next to you while you get better."  
  
"That's not your job," I said.  
  
"No," Jeff said. "But Rocky doesn't seem to understand the job description of boyfriend so well."  
  
I couldn't help that I started sobbing, wondering if it was really my love for The Rock that landed me in the hospital.  
  
// On my knees for you // 


	7. Not an Addict

*** I use "Not an Addict" by K's Choice in this chapter. ***  
  
// Breathe it in and breath it out  
  
and pass it on, it's almost out //  
  
"Torrie?" a voice from my past asked me. I whirled around to see my former boyfriend, Billy Kidman.  
  
"Hey Billy," I said easily, ignoring the hitch in my heart. I had been the one who left him. I was the one who betrayed the Filthy Animals.  
  
"How are you doing?" he asked, his eyes seeming very concerned. It was weird to have him act so concerned. No one else, other than my parents, had ever been really concerned about me. And he still was after I turned on him.  
  
"I'm fine," I said. I looked down at the watch on my wrist. "I actually have somewhere I have to go. We should go to lunch sometime soon."  
  
"Sure," Billy said. "I'd like to catch up with you."  
  
"Yeah, me too," I said, looking around for the person I was meeting. A tall blond man waved at me and smiled wickedly. "I've got to go."  
  
"Hey Tor," Edge said as I approached him.  
  
"You got it?" I asked.  
  
"Have I ever let you down?" he asked.  
  
// We're so creative, so much more  
  
we're high above but on the floor //  
  
"Everything is so pretty," I whispered, lying on the floor next to Edge. I giggled happily as I watched the lights from the TV make pretty patterns on the ceiling.  
  
"Hm, kind of like you," he said, kissing along the line of my collarbone.  
  
"Hey, I have a boyfriend mister," I said, lightly pushing him away.  
  
"Why don't you bring him sometime?" Edge asked. "Why don't you see if he wants to have some fun with us?"  
  
"I don't think this is his bag of tricks," I said. "Tajiri is kind of a straight arrow. A little too straight actually."  
  
"A little unhappy with the Japanese buzz saw?" Edge asked, edging ever closer to me. "Feel the need to try a Canadian?"  
  
"Do you never take a hint?" I asked, teasingly. It was an old game with Edge and me by now. We found out we had something in common and it turned into a flirtation. So far, nothing else had happened.  
  
// It's not an habit, it's cool, I feel alive  
  
If you don't have it you're on the other side //  
  
"You okay?" Stacy asked me as I hopped up and down next to her.  
  
"Huh?" I asked, looking questioningly at her. "Oh yeah, I'm fine. Just hyper I guess."  
  
"What's up with you lately Tor?" she asked, looking at me with concern that should really be redirected at herself. Rob had dumped her and I could tell it really changed her. I didn't know the details, I just knew she was spending a lot of time with Christian.  
  
"What are you talking about?" I asked, pretending I had no idea what she was talking about.  
  
"You're always either hyper or kind of hazy," Stacy said. "It kind of scares me actually."  
  
"Don't worry about me," I said, waving away Stacy's concern. "Tajiri and I are going through a rough spot and I guess it's changing the way I act or something."  
  
"You sure?" Stacy asked.  
  
"What else could it be?" I asked.  
  
"I don't know," Stacy shrugged.  
  
// The deeper you stick it in your vein  
  
the deeper the thoughts, there's no more pain //  
  
"I hate him!" I screamed. "He made me go out dressed a concubine!"  
  
"Then dump him," Edge shrugged, moving some fine white powder around on the mirror he always carried with him.  
  
"It's not that easy Edge," I said. "You've never had someone you love completely change right before your eyes."  
  
"Well, not a boyfriend," Edge said. "But I have had a brother turn his back on me."  
  
"Oh, yeah," I said, feeling my rage beginning to subside. I wasn't sure if it was because I really did feel bad for my friend or because the lines were arranged. "Sorry."  
  
"Hey," he said, smiling up at me, "this makes everything go right away, doesn't it?"  
  
"Yeah," I grinned at him. "You sure you're okay?"  
  
"You want to give me a kiss and make it better?" Edge asked.  
  
"Maybe just this once," I said, sitting on Edge's lap and giving him a smoldering kiss.  
  
// I'm in heaven, I'm a god  
  
I'm everywhere, I feel so hot //  
  
"God, that's great stuff," I said, sniffing the remains of the cocaine into my nose. "Really just fucking great."  
  
"Only the best for you Torrie," Edge said. He leaned down and sniffed a line.  
  
"Thanks Edge," I said gratefully. "You're the only one who seems to understand me. God, you're so hot too."  
  
"Was the a come-on?" Edge asked in confusion as he sat back up.  
  
"Do you want it to be?" I asked him, moving a little closer to him.  
  
"Hell yeah," he said, draping an arm around my shoulder. "I've found the only thing better than coke is coke and sex."  
  
"I've never tried myself," I said.  
  
"Feel like giving my hypothesis a spin?" he asked, leaning down and capturing my lips in a hot kiss.  
  
"God yeah," I said, tangling my hands in his long blond hair.  
  
// It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive  
  
If you don't have it you're on the other side //  
  
"Where are we going?" Stacy asked, as I dragged her along the hallway.  
  
"Out, to a club," I said. "You don't have to worry about getting Rob's permission anymore, lets go!"  
  
"Can Christian come?" Stacy asked.  
  
"I guess," I said. "But Edge is going to be there so it might be a little…uncomfortable for the two of them."  
  
"Well, okay," Stacy said. "Let me go tell him then."  
  
"Fine," I shrugged.  
  
"Hey baby," Edge said as he sidled up next to me. "I thought Stacy was coming with us."  
  
"She is," I said, turning and wrapping my arms around his neck. "She's going to go tell Christian."  
  
"Great," Edge said, dropping a kiss on my lips. "I have a present for you."  
  
"Yeah?" I asked.  
  
"Yeah, open your mouth," he said. I complied and he slipped a tablet in.  
  
"What the hell was that?" a shocked voice asked.  
  
// I'm not an addict, maybe that's a lie //  
  
"Stacy," I said, turning to my friend after I swallowed the pill. "It's just something to liven up the night."  
  
"But exactly what was it?" Stacy asked, sounding slightly horrified.  
  
"What was it Edge?" I asked.  
  
"Ecstasy," he said. "I have one for you if you want it Stacy. It just changes the way you look at everything."  
  
"Thanks, but no," Stacy said. "Haven't you heard the reports on that crap?"  
  
"Only if you use it all the time, if you're an addict," I said.  
  
"Whatever," Stacy said. "Go dig your own grave."  
  
// It's over now, I'm cold, alone  
  
I'm just a person on my own //  
  
The look of disappointment in my friend's eyes hounded me long after my high had worn off. I knew it shocked her that I tried any of that stuff. She had had a friend in high school who died of an overdose. But he was an addict.  
  
I'm not an addict. I like to have a little fun everything. And fuck anyone who says denial is a sign of addiction. I'm not addicted. Maybe to chocolate, but not to drugs.  
  
So to prove it, I decided to stay away from Edge. I only did drugs when Edge was around, because he was so much fun to get high with. I would spend all my waking hours with Tajiri and Stacy. I would stay away from the drugs.  
  
I'm not a fucking addict.  
  
// Nothing means a thing to me,  
  
nothing means a thing to me //  
  
I woke up in the middle of the night shaking furiously. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I stumbled out of bed, careful not to disturb Tajiri. I threaded my way to the bathroom and turned the light on.  
  
I leaned against the counter, my legs weak from the exertion of coming to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and was shocked to see how pale I was. What the hell was wrong with me? I was shaking, sweating, and pale as a ghost.  
  
Nothing made me happy. I was going off on Stacy and Tajiri over the silliest things. I bent to splash some water on my face.  
  
I needed something. But what?  
  
// It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive  
  
If you don't have it you're on the other side //  
  
"You don't look so good," a laughing voice said from behind me.  
  
"Fuck off," I said irritably.  
  
"A little testy too huh?" Edge asked. He laughed under his breath as I turned to give him the look of death.  
  
"You really want to get on my bad side Edge?" I asked.  
  
"Aw, Torrie," Edge said, grinning at me. "You know I want you to be as happy as possible. Come out with me tonight."  
  
"No," I said. "I'm giving that stuff up."  
  
"You don't need to do that," Edge said. "Hell, you need that stuff just to stay normal Tor."  
  
"No I don't," I said.  
  
"Whatever you say," Edge shrugged, walking away.  
  
// I'm not an addict, maybe that's a lie //  
  
"Wait!" I called after him.  
  
"Yeah?" he asked, turning back towards me.  
  
"Where are we going tonight?" I asked, smiling at him.  
  
"A little club where everyone knows how to have fun," he said.  
  
"Okay," I said. "I'll see you later then."  
  
"Torrie," Stacy admonished as she came upon the end of my conversation with Edge. "I thought you were quitting."  
  
"I did," I said. "I'm just going out."  
  
"I wish you'd stay away from Edge," Stacy said.  
  
"Okay Mom," I said. "I'm just going out."  
  
// Free me, leave me, watch me as I'm going down  
  
Free me, see me, look at me I'm falling and I'm falling //  
  
"Oh wow," I said, as Edge and I danced together. I was dancing as close to him as I've ever danced to anyone.  
  
"You feel amazing," he said, his lips grazing along my neck.  
  
"You feel hot," I said, rubbing the back of my hand across the erection bulging under his leather pants. "I love a man in leather pants."  
  
"You're pushing pretty hard there," Edge said, his voice feral.  
  
"How about we go take care of you Edge?" I asked, pulling him toward the exit. "You've taken such good care of me."  
  
"Sounds like a…hey, you okay Torrie?" he asked as I stumbled. He caught me, just before I fell face down on the floor.  
  
"I, I guess I tripped," I said. "Lets get out of here."  
  
// It is not a habit it is cool I feel alive I feel,  
  
It is not a habit it is cool I feel alive //  
  
"I saw her fall!" Stacy exclaimed. I had no idea what the hell she was doing at the club. "What the hell did you give her?"  
  
"Stacy!" Edge said. "She just tripped."  
  
"Sure," Stacy said. "Lets get her back to the hotel and put her in bed."  
  
"I was planning in joining her," Edge said.  
  
"Yeah," I giggled.  
  
"Shit, if Vince catches her looking like this she's going to get fired," Stacy said, taking one of my arms and bolstering me up.  
  
"I'm fine Stacy," I sighed.  
  
// It's not a habit it's cool I feel alive,  
  
If you don't have it you're on the other side //  
  
"I can walk!" I exclaimed, tired of the baby treatment Stacy had been giving me in the car on the way back to the hotel.  
  
"Torrie!" a voice exclaimed.  
  
I turned to see Billy walking toward me. "Billy!"  
  
"What's wrong with her?" Billy asked Edge and Stacy.  
  
"Nothing man," Edge said. Stacy didn't say anything.  
  
"Billy, have I ever told you that you were the only man I ever loved?" I asked.  
  
"Torrie, don't do this in the hotel lobby," Billy said, taking my arms into his hands.  
  
"Aw, Billy," I said. I leaned in to kiss him, but I never got there.  
  
// I'm not an addict, maybe that's a lie //  
  
*** I can't believe I've made Edge a druggie in two of my fics. Poor guy. I really do like him, but I've already used RVD and the Hardys, and I couldn't really make any of the other guys I was considering believable, so…Edge. *** 


	8. Recovering the Satellites

*** Okay, this commences in the second part of the series. These next seven chapters will be from the POV of the people who are helping our divas out with their problems. So, hopefully this will be a little happier than the other part. I use "Recovering the Satellites" by Counting Crows. ***  
  
// Gonna get back to basics  
  
Guess I'll start it up again //  
  
I never thought she and I would ever talk again, let alone depend on each other. But when she passed out into my arms, I really didn't have a choice. If she would let me help her then that was what I was going to do.  
  
But the most important thing to me was helping her to realize who she really was, at the heart of herself. Before she came to the WWF she was a sweet girl who never would have chosen the path that she did. She just had to find that part of her again.  
  
And I was willing to help her because that was the part of her that I loved. I always had loved that part of her. It was like she was a playful, almost innocent girl. But the girl who passed out was a jaded, unhappy woman.  
  
// I'm falling' from the ceiling  
  
You're falling from the sky now and then //  
  
"Torrie," I whispered to her.  
  
"Huh?" she asked, her eyes fluttering open.  
  
"We need to get ready to go," I said, sitting down next to her on the bed. Stacy and I had brought her to my bedroom after she passed out. Her heartbeat had been steady and Edge had told us she really hadn't taken much in the way of drugs that night.  
  
"Billy?" she asked in shock. "Why are you in my room?"  
  
"Actually," I said, smiling just a little. "You're in my room. Stacy brought your stuff over so you can go ahead and change in the bathroom."  
  
"Okay," Torrie said, nodding. "But you'll have to explain to me why I'm here later."  
  
"I will," I promised.  
  
// Maybe you were shot down in pieces  
  
Maybe I slipped in between //  
  
"I passed out?" Torrie asked, sounding horrified.  
  
"Sure enough," I said, trying to keep my voice light. I had been scared to death when her face turned pale and she just stopped talking. I barely was able to catch her.  
  
"Oh my God," she said, burying her face in her hands. She was riding with me to the airport in my rental car. "I can't believe I did that."  
  
"Torrie, I know why you passed out," I said solemnly.  
  
"Oh," Torrie said. She looked away from me, out of the window.  
  
"I'm not disappointed or anything," I said. "I'm just scared for you."  
  
"You don't need to be," Torrie said quietly.  
  
"Yeah I do," I replied. "I want to help you."  
  
// But we were gonna be the wildest people they ever hoped to see  
  
Just you and me //  
  
"You want to help me?" Torrie asked in disbelief. "Do you remember that I'm the woman who turned on you?"  
  
"Yeah," I said, nodding as I looked forward, trying not to think about the betrayal I had felt so deeply. "But I still care about you Tor."  
  
"I don't deserve that from you," Torrie said. "I've done so much."  
  
"You haven't done anything that can't be fixed," I said. "And I'd like to be there for you. I mean, if your boyfriend doesn't mind."  
  
"Boyfriend?" Torrie asked.  
  
"Tajiri," I said.  
  
"Oh, we broke up," Torrie said. "Yesterday actually. It was one of the reasons I went out with Edge last night."  
  
"Well then, will you let me help you?" I asked  
  
// So why'd you come home to this sleepless town  
  
It's a lifetime commitment  
  
Recovering the satellites //  
  
"What are you thinking about?" Torrie asked me later that night as we watched re-runs of old sitcoms on TV.  
  
"You," I answered. "You're going to go through withdrawal Tor. I'll be here, but it's going to be hard."  
  
"I know," Torrie said, nodding her head.  
  
"But everything will be pretty good after you kick your habit," I said.  
  
"There will still be urges Billy," Torrie said seriously, looking over at me. "I'll always crave. It will always be a possibility that I'll start taking again."  
  
"I know," I said.  
  
"Do you?" Torrie asked.  
  
"If I don't," I said, "I will soon, huh?"  
  
// All anybody really wants to know is...  
  
When you gonna come down //  
  
"How is she?" Stacy asked me as we waited for Torrie to come out of the restroom at the arena we were at for the night.  
  
"She seems fine," I said. "But it's only been two days."  
  
"I know," Stacy said. "I'm trying to get Vince to give you and Torrie a vacation."  
  
"Really?" I asked.  
  
"Yeah," Stacy shrugged. "She's always helped me when I needed it, I figured I should repay the favor if I could."  
  
"You seem different though Stacy," I said to her. She did seem more mature and a little quieter than she had been while Torrie and I had been together.  
  
"I guess I grew up," Stacy shrugged as if she was holding something back.  
  
"Are you okay?" I asked her.  
  
"Hey, we have to worry about Torrie, not me," Stacy said.  
  
// Your mother recognizes all you're desperate displays  
  
And she watches as her babies drift violently away //  
  
I woke up in the middle of the night to hear wretching noises from the bathroom. I got up and saw Torrie hunched over the toilet. I wet a washcloth and put it against her neck.  
  
"Billy," she whispered.  
  
"You okay sweetie?" I asked her.  
  
"I feel so sick," she confessed. "But there is nothing else to throw up."  
  
"I know," I said. "You want to take a bath?"  
  
"No," Torrie said. "I want to sleep. I feel so cold."  
  
"Okay," I said. I picked her up and carried her to one of the beds. I pulled the sheets over her and then put both of the comforters over her.  
  
She was still shivering and I felt truly helpless for the first time in my life because I couldn't stop her pain.  
  
// 'Til they see themselves in telescopes  
  
Do you see yourself in me?  
  
We're such crazy babies, little monkey //  
  
"Okay, I did it," Stacy said as she came into the room. "Oh my God."  
  
Torrie was bundled up in blankets. Her face was a sickly, pale color. She smiled weakly at Stacy. "Did what?"  
  
"Oh yeah," Stacy said. "You and Billy have two weeks off courtesy of Mr. McMahon."  
  
"Thank God," I said, sighing in relief. The last thing Torrie needed was for people to ask her what was wrong.  
  
"Why?" Torrie asked.  
  
"I told him you two just started going out again and that the road was starting to be a little much for you and I was afraid you would quit if you didn't get some time off," Stacy said. "And then Billy would go with you."  
  
"You didn't do that sick perv any favors did you?" Torrie asked.  
  
"No," Stacy said. "You worry about you for awhile, okay?"  
  
// We're so fucked up, you and me  
  
So why'd you come home to this faithless town //  
  
"I can't do this!" Torrie yelled at me. "Stay the fuck away from me Billy!"  
  
"Torrie," I said calmly. "You need to calm down."  
  
"Don't tell me what to fucking do Billy," Torrie snarled. "You're such a damn momma hen."  
  
"Is there something I can get for you Tor?" I asked.  
  
"Yeah, coke," Torrie said. "And lots of it."  
  
"Tor," I said.  
  
"Just leave me alone," Torrie sighed.  
  
// Where we make a lifetime commitment  
  
To recovering the satellites  
  
And all anybody really wants to know is...  
  
When are you gonna come down //  
  
"Hey," I whispered. Torrie was lying on the couch watching old TV shows. "Can I get you something?"  
  
"I'm okay," Torrie said softly. "I'm sorry about all of the yelling I've been doing the past couple of days. I just feel so on edge."  
  
"It's okay," I assured her. "You don't have to explain anything."  
  
"I know I've said it before," Torrie said. "But thanks."  
  
"Don't mention it," I said, sitting down on the floor next to her.  
  
"Why are you helping me?" Torrie asked.  
  
"We have a past that I can't ignore," I said quickly. I knew Torrie very well and I knew telling her that I was still in love with her would scare her. I already had an answer for that question, I knew she would ask it.  
  
"Oh," she said, reverting her attention to the TV screen.  
  
// She sees shooting stars and comet tails  
  
She's got heaven in her eyes //  
  
"Hey," Torrie said to me as she sat across from me at the table.  
  
"You sound happy," I commented.  
  
"Nice change, huh?" she asked.  
  
"I like it myself," I said, shrugging.  
  
"You've been really great Billy," Torrie said, looking at me in the eyes. "I'm not sure how I can ever repay you."  
  
"Just, don't start again," I said.  
  
"Easier said than done," Torrie said, fiddling with a fork that was on the table. "But I'm going to try my damnedest."  
  
"Good," I said. "I think you can do it."  
  
// She says I don't need to be an angel  
  
But I'm nothing if I'm not this high  
  
But we only stay in orbit  
  
For a moment of time //  
  
"How can you still believe in me after everything I've done to you Billy?" Torrie asked, finally looking up at me. Looking me in the eyes in a way she hadn't done since we had broken up.  
  
"I just can," I shrugged.  
  
"You're an amazing person," Torrie said, looking away. "I don't think I'd be able to forgive you if our roles were reversed."  
  
"Torrie, you can't know until you're in the position to act," I said. "And you're the only woman I've ever loved. How could I really turn my back on you when you needed me. You never really need me while we were together. It was my chance to show you that someone cared about you."  
  
She looked back up, tears glistening in her eyes. She reached her hand over and covered mine with it. "Thank you Billy."  
  
"Aw Tor," I said. "You don't need to keep thanking me."  
  
// And then you're everybody's satellite  
  
I wish that you were mine //  
  
"Well, good luck," Torrie said, standing by the door of my dressing room.  
  
"You want to come?" I asked.  
  
"You don't need me there," Torrie said, sticking her hands in the pockets of her blue jeans and looking extremely uncomfortable.  
  
"But I want you out there," I said.  
  
"Really?" she asked, her beautiful blue eyes lighting up in a way I hadn't seen in so long.  
  
I grinned at her. "Of course I do."  
  
She jumped towards me and hugged me. "Okay! I'm so excited! It'll be just like old times!"  
  
// So why'd you come home to this angels town  
  
It's a lifetime decision  
  
Recovering the satellites //  
  
The match I had was a pretty hard match, but I wouldn't remember much about it after a week or so. What I'll always remember is Torrie. She climbed into the ring after I got pinned and came to check on me. She stood over me like a shining angel.  
  
"God you're an angel," I whispered.  
  
"No, you are," Torrie said. "You're my angel."  
  
"I guess we'll be angels to each other," I said. I sat up and slowly got to my feet. Torrie stood right next to me.  
  
"That sounds like a plan," she finally said. "I know with you by my side I'll never do wrong. Well, too much wrong anyways."  
  
"What?" I asked, not understanding what she was saying.  
  
// Everybody really knows for sure...  
  
That you're gonna come down //  
  
She smiled softly and leaned in to place a light kiss on my lips. "I love you Billy. I always have and I always will. You make me who I am. At least on the good days."  
  
"Torrie," I whispered, feeling stunned.  
  
"Oh God, you don't feel the same," Torrie said, holding her hand in front of her mouth. "And I did this in the middle of the ring."  
  
She turned to leave, but I grabbed her arm and pulled her back to me. "You just seem to have forgotten how to kiss," I said, before placing a kiss of my own on her lips.  
  
"Billy?" she asked, sounding very confused after she pulled away.  
  
"I've always loved you too Tor," I said. "I always will."  
  
She grinned before pulling me into a tight embrace. "Promise to never let me lose you again."  
  
"I promise," I said, holding her close.  
  
// That you're gonna come down // 


	9. Black Balloon

*** The song is "Black Balloon" by the Goo Goo Dolls. ***  
  
// Baby's black balloon makes her fly  
  
I almost fell into that hole in your life //  
  
She didn't do much those first few days. She hated that I was always there with her too. She hated that I wouldn't just leave her alone. She hated that I watched what she ate. I think for awhile she may have even hated me.  
  
I didn't really care. The woman was mesmerizing and Rocky had brought her to her knees. He couldn't see that the beautiful, self-confident woman who had fallen for him was a great person who didn't need to change who she was to fit his own self-image.  
  
But I've never really cared for The Rock. He's all show and so involved in his own glory. He doesn't pay attention to "the little people". Sure he may be the People's Champion, but that's only because he can see the dollar signs.  
  
But that wasn't why I was there for Trish. To be honest I wasn't sure why I was there for Trish. She and I were friends, but she was closer to Lita. Of course, Lita had problems of her own. It wasn't like we were all that close. I had been interested in her before but she had gotten injured and our mutual attraction kind of faded.  
  
// And you're not thinking about tomorrow  
  
'Cause you were the same as me //  
  
"Damn you Jeff!" Trish screamed. "Let me be!"  
  
"No!" I yelled back at her. "I will not let you starve yourself to death for some egotistical jerk who doesn't deserve you!"  
  
"I wasn't starving myself," Trish said, pouting petulantly.  
  
"Do we need to go talk to the doctor again Trish?" I asked her.  
  
"Why are you doing this to me?" Trish asked. "Why won't you just let me be me?"  
  
"Because you aren't being you," I said. "You're conforming to someone else's ideals sweetheart."  
  
"Why is that so bad?" Trish asked.  
  
"Because you were killing yourself to be with someone Trish," I said, looking into her pretty eyes. "And you shouldn't have to change yourself if that special someone really loves you."  
  
// But on your knees //  
  
"God I feel sick," Trish said, darting for the bathroom.  
  
"No you don't," I said, grabbing her arm and pulling her close to me.  
  
"Really Jeff," she said. She grabbed her stomach for emphasis. "I think it was that seafood."  
  
"Good try," I said. "You don't need to lose any weight sweetie."  
  
"Don't call me sweetie," Trish said, crossing her arms over her chest. "You'll make me think you actually care about me and my happiness."  
  
"It's all I seem to care about anymore sweetheart," I said, hugging her to me.  
  
// A thousand other boys could never reach you  
  
How could I have been the one //  
  
It took awhile before anything between us got any easier. First, our primarily were over Trish's food intake and how I wasn't going to let up on that. After she finally got used to me being the guy that shoveled food down her throat she started hating the rumors that were going around about us.  
  
I had made her start rooming with me. I wasn't going to take the chance that she might exchange anorexia for bulimia. At first, neither of us realized that rumors were circulating about our relationship. Everyone basically thought that Rocky had caught Trish cheating on him with me.  
  
"I never cheated on him!" Trish exclaimed, tears in her eyes.  
  
"I know," I said. "Maybe you should have."  
  
"Jeff!" Trish said. "I love him. Can't you understand that?"  
  
"Can't you understand that he treated you like dirt?" I asked her. My rage over her refusal to let go of her almost childlike admiration for Rock boiled over. "Can't you understand that there are thousands of guys out there who really care about you and would treat you like the queen that you are? Can't you see that I would treat you like you deserve to be treated?"  
  
// I saw the world spin beneath you  
  
And scatter like ice from the spoon //  
  
"What did you say?" she asked.  
  
"You never really gave me a chance Trish," I continued. "I was ready to take that next step with you but you got injured. When you got back it was all about the belt."  
  
"Jeff," Trish said softly.  
  
"And I don't want to hear excuses," I said, doing this because I knew she needed to hear that there were people who found her desirable, just as she was. "I just wanted you to know that I think you're about the sexiest woman I've ever met and I would never criticize you if you were mine. I would just be grateful that you picked me."  
  
"I didn't know," Trish said helplessly.  
  
"I know," I said. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."  
  
// That was your womb //  
  
After that I just pulled her into my arms and let her cry. She cried a lot for that first month or so. I couldn't really blame her. She had to completely change her life if she was going to be healthy ever again. And I had managed to throw her life into upheaval again.  
  
It was no snap process. There was so much we had to do. She had counseling once a week at home. Well, in Cameron. I made her move in with me, threatening to tell Vince that Trish had an eating disorder if she didn't comply. The counselor told us Trish had to feel comfortable in her own skin again. She wouldn't get better any other way.  
  
// Comin' down the world turned over  
  
And angels fall without you there //  
  
"How do I look?" Trish asked with uncertainty evident in her eyes. She and I were going to a club with Matt, Stacy, and Christian. We weren't really friends with Christian or Stacy but things had somehow changed and we found ourselves hanging out with them a lot.  
  
"You look beautiful," I said, looking at her in a black mini-skirt and a tight silver halter-top. "You look perfect."  
  
"Yeah?" Trish asked, looking back into the mirror.  
  
"You almost sound like you believe it," I said, coming to stand behind her. "I'm glad."  
  
"I don't know," Trish said, turning around to face me. "I mean, in my head I know I'm not really fat. But there's this nagging feeling."  
  
"You're a gorgeous person Trish," I said to her, touching my forehead to her. "Inside and out. Any guy who wasn't a complete idiot would realized that."  
  
"Are you saying Rocky is a complete idiot?" Trish asked.  
  
"Pretty much," I shrugged.  
  
// And I go on as you get colder  
  
Or are you someone's prayer //  
  
"I have to go," Trish said as she grabbed her purse and a jacket.  
  
"Why?" I asked, watching from my seat near the window as she crazily grabbed some things.  
  
"I forgot I told Lita I would go shopping with her," Trish said, not looking into my eyes.  
  
"Don't lie to me Trish," I said to her seriously. "You can tell me something I don't want to hear, but don't lie to me."  
  
"I'm not Jeff," she said, smiling at me.  
  
"Where are you going then?" I asked.  
  
"It's none of your business," she said before leaving our room.  
  
// You know the lies they always told you  
  
And the love you never knew //  
  
Later that night, Trish tried to sneak back into the room. She looked dejected and hurt, but also guilty. I watched her from my seat at the window. I had been there since she had left. I knew exactly what she had done, but it was hard to be mad at her.  
  
"How was your night?" I asked.  
  
She jumped as she turned to me. "Jeff? Why are you sitting in the dark?"  
  
"I was worried about you," I answered.  
  
"That's sweet Jeff," Trish said, sitting on the edge of the bed. "But I don't deserve that."  
  
"Can you let me decide that?" I asked her. "What did he do?"  
  
"What did who do?" Trish asked softly.  
  
"Rocky," I said.  
  
"How did you know?" Trish asked.  
  
"I guessed," I shrugged.  
  
"Well, he was everything you've ever said about him," Trish said.  
  
// What's the things they never showed you  
  
That swallowed the light from the sun  
  
Inside your room //  
  
"At least you've realized it sweetheart," I said.  
  
"It still hurts," Trish said, hanging her head. "I mean, how different would things in my life be if I never let my self fall for him?"  
  
"Why live in what if?" I asked her. "How about you just decide to change everything from here on out."  
  
"It's so easy to say that," Trish said. "But in practice, it's hard."  
  
"You're a strong woman Trish," I commented.  
  
"Am I?" she asked.  
  
// Comin' down the world turned over  
  
And angels fall without you there //  
  
"Have you seen Torrie and Billy lately?" Trish asked.  
  
"Yeah," I said, putting my gear back into my gym bag.  
  
"She looks so happy," Trish commented. "She never looked that happy while she was with Tajiri."  
  
"They were in love before," I commented. "Billy has always been crazy for her."  
  
"God, that must be great," Trish said dreamily. "To know that someone loves you and can take you back no matter what."  
  
I looked at Trish sitting on the couch with a small smile on her face and I knew that was why I had taken it upon myself to help her. I loved her. She was so mesmerizing. It was probably impossible for me not to fall in love her.  
  
"I'm sure you'll find out what it feels like," I said.  
  
// And I go on as you get colder  
  
Or are you someone's prayer //  
  
"Damn it!" Trish yelled.  
  
"What?" I asked, coming into the living room of my house. We both knew she didn't need to live with me anymore. Ever since Rocky had rejected her again, eating hadn't been a problem.  
  
I never asked her what had happened, but I knew it was big. "You okay?"  
  
"Oh yeah," Trish said, looking up in embarrassment. "I thought I had set the VCR to record your match on RAW, but it seems like all I got was QVC."  
  
"My match?" I asked, coming into the room and sitting down on the couch.  
  
"Yeah," she said, blushing lightly.  
  
"Why did you record my match?" Jeff asked.  
  
"Because I knew a match between you and RVD would be awesome," Trish said. "I wanted it for always."  
  
// And there's no time left for losin'  
  
When you stand they fall //  
  
"For always?" I asked her.  
  
"Yeah," Trish said softly.  
  
"You know, I want you to stay here for always," I said.  
  
"Really?" she asked.  
  
"I want you to be a part of my life forever," I said.  
  
"A part of your life?" she asked, sounding somewhat disappointed.  
  
"Yeah," I replied. "I'd probably die without you."  
  
// Comin' down the world turned over  
  
And angels fall without you there //  
  
"I would've died if you hadn't been there," Trish said, standing up and walking toward the couch I was sitting on. "You saw what no one else could."  
  
"I saw you," I answered.  
  
"Did you?" she asked. "No one sees me like you do."  
  
"How do you know that?" I asked her. My pulse quickened as she sat down next to me.  
  
"Because you make me feel like I'm special," Trish said. She sat really close to me. "And I don't know if I can seduce you. But I would really like you to kiss me now."  
  
// And I go on as you get colder //  
  
My lips met hers. The kiss was gentle, like neither of us were exactly sure what we were doing. We pulled back at the same time.  
  
"I love you Trish," I told her.  
  
"Is there a but coming?" she asked.  
  
"No," I said, cupping her cheek in my hand. "I just love you. Just as you are."  
  
"Likewise," she said. "I love you like you are."  
  
"Auspicious beginnings?" I asked.  
  
"Very," she said before our lips met again.  
  
// All because I'm  
  
Comin' down the years turn over  
  
And angels fall without you there //  
  
Our relationship didn't exactly progress slowly. Actually, we already had the friends thing down. We were living together. Hell, we were pretty far into our relationship before it began.  
  
But other things still took time. I didn't just propose to her or anything like that. We had fun and dated. We went to the movies and just held hands. We went to amusement parks and just enjoyed out time together.  
  
// And I'll go and lead you home and  
  
All because I'm  
  
All because I'm //  
  
It's weird how great things can come out of bad things. For me, the best thing came out of a horrible situation for Trish. Somehow, I managed to help her escape her feelings of low self-confidence. And in return, she fell in love with me. And I fell in love with her. Or deeper in love than I had already been in love with her.  
  
// And I'll become  
  
What you became to me // 


	10. Angel Standing By

*** Sorry for the delay on this one. My Jazz muse doesn't come around too often and I was having a hard time getting her to stop being so rebellious. I hope you all like this chapter. I use "Angel Standing By" by Jewel. ***  
  
// All through the night I'll be standing over you //  
  
I never liked the woman. She wasn't exactly personable. Her attitude really sucked. And she started out her career in the WWF by attacking some of my friends. Trish really hated her. I really couldn't blame her. The woman smashed her hand in a trunk. It actually reminded me of when Regal went after me with those ridiculous brass knuckles.  
  
To be fair, I didn't really know her when I decided that I didn't like her. I just thought she was this aggressive, ridiculous woman who purposely preyed on people who were weaker than her. I let what other people said about her influence me. Not exactly the mark of a good, open-minded person.  
  
God only knows what she thought about me. Near the end, I was getting pretty crazy. It was like I was targeting Regal for awhile there. And then I went after Kurt Angle. You have to be all kinds of idiot to do that. Sure, I got the better of him in the hair vs. hair match, but most of the time it was me who ended up hurting. And Kurt usually has the ability to block out personal problems when he wrestles. The hair vs. hair match was one of the few exceptions I can think of and then he was worried about someone, but God knows who. Any other time he wasn't focused on his wrestling it usually had something to do with Stephanie McMahon.  
  
But she put that all aside and she helped me. She helped me when I couldn't even admit that I needed help. She forced me to put aside all of my assumptions and stupidities. She showed me what a real friend is.  
  
// All through the night I'll be watching over you //  
  
"What the hell do you want?" I asked as I opened my hotel room door.  
  
"What did you do to her you asshole?" Stacy Kiebler asked me as she barged into my hotel room. "Did she overdose or something?"  
  
"I don't know what's wrong with her!" I exclaimed. "She barely did anything tonight."  
  
"But you were the one to give her whatever the hell it is you gave her!" Stacy exclaimed. I could see the anger blazing in her blue eyes. I knew I deserved it. But I sure wasn't going to admit it to her. "If she doesn't get better.I'm coming after you Edge!"  
  
"Whatever," I said, turning my back on her.  
  
"Don't you turn away from me!" Stacy yelled, pounding on my back. I could hear the tears choking in her throat. "You bastard!"  
  
"Stacy! Stop!" a female voice said. Suddenly the leggy blonde was pulled off of me. "What's going on here?"  
  
"Nothing," Stacy said. "I'm going to check on Torrie."  
  
I watched Stacy leave my room and looked at the person who had pulled the woman off of me. She looked at me and asked, "What's wrong with Torrie?"  
  
// And through bad dreams //  
  
"She couldn't play with the big boys," I said, sitting down on the bed and putting my head in my hands.  
  
"Did you?" she asked, not finishing her question. "If you hurt her I swear to God I will make you live to regret it."  
  
"Don't get your panties in a bunch," I said. "Torrie had a little problem with controlled substances."  
  
"Drugs?" she asked. "Torrie has been doing drugs?"  
  
"Yeah," I said. "Don't tell Vince."  
  
"Of course not," she said. She went to the door and shut it behind her. Something about her demeanor changed after she found out Torrie had been doing drugs. She became quiet, kind of thoughtful. "Why is Stacy so mad at you?"  
  
"Because I gave her the drugs," I said. I finally let the guilt I wouldn't let Stacy see break me. I did what I hadn't done since my brother turned on me. I cried.  
  
// I will be right there baby //  
  
"Edge," she said, coming to sit next to me. She ran a hand up and down my back. It was kind of soothing. "You don't need to cry."  
  
"What if something happens to her Jazz?" I asked the woman next to me. "I can't live with myself if something happened to her!"  
  
"Doesn't she have a boyfriend? Doesn't she have a best friend?" Jazz asked. "They should have noticed something was different about her. It's their responsibility."  
  
"But I gave her the drugs," I said.  
  
"Did you force her to take them?" Jazz asked.  
  
"No, but-"  
  
"I don't want to hear buts," Jazz said. "I've had someone close to me OD. I should have noticed something was wrong. But I didn't. It's not your fault. You aren't responsible for making sure she's always safe. She's a big girl."  
  
// Holding your hand //  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked her, suddenly standing up. "I never should have drawn her in."  
  
"I'm betting she had experimented before she ever met you Edge," Jazz said, just watching me.  
  
"Most people would be mad at me," I told her.  
  
"Oh, I'm mad at you," Jazz said. "But being a bitch about it would most likely send you on a bender and then we'd have another problem to deal with."  
  
"You don't have to baby-sit me," I said.  
  
"I'm not baby-sitting you," she said. "I'm trying to be a friend. You don't seem to have anyone else around."  
  
"I'm scared Jazz," I confessed. "I want to stop."  
  
"Okay," she said, nodding her head.  
  
// Telling you everything is all right //  
  
Jazz had a doctor friend who told Vince that I was hurt and I needed some time off to recover from my injuries. It meant foregoing the King of the Ring, but I didn't care. Seeing Torrie hit rock bottom forced me to admit to myself that drugs weren't an answer to all my problems. They were a problem in and of themselves.  
  
I couldn't exactly check into rehab. But Jazz was legitimately hurt and she offered to take care of me through my rehab. I started attending Narcotics Anonymous. I always thought those support groups were a load of crap. But they really helped. The other people there knew what I was going through. And it helped.  
  
But Jazz was the reason I came through withdrawal in one piece. The whole time she was by my side, telling me that I could do it. I could get through anything if I believed it. And I believed it because she did. But there was something else about her. She seemed determined to help me quit for some reason other than my own well-being. I tried to ask her about it a thousand times but I never could. I knew it had to be something serious though. Something life changing.  
  
// And when you cry //  
  
"Come with me," Jazz said one day. We were at her house. She said she had grown up in the house. It wasn't anything special, but she had done stuff to make it comfortable.  
  
We walked about a mile before we came to a graveyard. She stopped in front of a tombstone that read Lily Grammars. She ran her hand along the top of it.  
  
"Did you know her?" I asked.  
  
"She was my sister," Jazz said. "She overdosed."  
  
"Oh wow," I said, kneeling next to her. I noticed that it hadn't been very long at all since her sister had passed away. "I'm really sorry Jazz."  
  
"Don't be," she said. "It was my fault. I was too focused on me and my stupid career that I didn't see any of the signs."  
  
"Maybe there were none," I said, helpless to offer any comfort to the woman who had been my source of strength.  
  
"Of course there were," she said. "There always are."  
  
"You can't blame yourself," I said.  
  
// I'll be right there //  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?" she asked me. "I sure as hell can blame myself."  
  
"No," I said. "You're the one who told me that no one forced Torrie to take drugs. No one forced your sister to take them either."  
  
"But I should have seen that something was wrong," Jazz said, tears flowing down her cheeks. I had never seen this woman vulnerable. It tore at my heart.  
  
"Maybe nothing was wrong," I said. "Maybe she just liked the way the drugs felt. Nothing was wrong with me."  
  
"Besides the fact that your brother betrayed you," Jazz pointed out.  
  
I sighed as I wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "Maybe something was wrong with me. But Jazz, you can't blame yourself. You would have helped her if you had known. Just like you helped me. Just like you saved me."  
  
// Telling you you're never anything less than beautiful //  
  
"I saved you?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah," I said, holding her closer to me. "I have a feeling I should thank Lily for sending you to me. I'd probably be dead by now if it wasn't for you Jazz."  
  
"Don't say that," she said.  
  
"It's the truth you know," I said. "I wouldn't have asked for help if you hadn't have come into my hotel room that night."  
  
"You would have," Jazz said with certainty.  
  
"Would you have ever told anyone about Lily if you hadn't helped me?" I asked her.  
  
"What?" she asked.  
  
"I'm pretty sure no one knew that you had a sister," I said. "Were you planning on letting this eat at you for the rest of your life?"  
  
"It wasn't eating at me," Jazz said.  
  
"We're closer than that now Jazz," I said.  
  
"Okay, so it was eating at me a little," she admitted. "Because, God, I should have been here."  
  
"You're getting into what ifs there Jazz," I said. "Could you guarantee that if you hadn't been in the WWF that you would have been able to save her? Do you know that you would have known she had been doing drugs?"  
  
"No," Jazz said softly.  
  
"Then why are you beating yourself up?" I asked her.  
  
"I don't know," she admitted.  
  
// So don't you worry //  
  
"God, is that a smile?" I asked Jazz. We were sitting in my dressing room. She was going to make a surprise appearance in the match between Dawn Marie and Stacy.  
  
"Well, I'm looking forward to kicking Dawn Marie's ass," Jazz said. "She always was a bitch."  
  
"I'm happy for you," I said. "And glad that you aren't directing your anger at Trish for awhile."  
  
"She'll get her turn," Jazz said. But her tone wasn't near as vindictive as it had been when she had talked about Dawn Marie. We had both heard the rumors that Trish had been going through eating disorders. "I'll let her and her little boyfriend breathe easily for a bit."  
  
"That's kind of you," I said.  
  
"People are going to wonder what you're doing hanging out with me," Jazz said.  
  
"Let them wonder," I said. "You're a wonderful woman Jazz."  
  
"You're helping me to believe it," Jazz said.  
  
"I'm glad I could do something for you," I said.  
  
"You've done a lot," she said. She reached out and squeezed my hand before she left the dressing room.  
  
// I'm your angel //  
  
Things didn't get romantic between Jazz and I. But neither of us really needed to be involved in a relationship. We just needed someone we could depend on. Someone we knew would be there if we ever stumbled.  
  
I know now that you can't judge people without getting to know them. And I know that everyone hides things, especially when they have tough exteriors. I know that I did help Jazz battle some of her demons. I know that we gave each other chances to believe in life and second chances.  
  
I still worry about her. I know that she might still blame herself for what happened to her sister. But she seems more light-hearted. She even started making friends with some of the other Divas. One day she will forgive herself completely for not being there. For now, she's well on her way. And we are both better people because of it.  
  
// Standing by // 


	11. Drive

*** I use "Drive" by The Cars in this chapter. Enjoy! ***  
  
// Who's gonna tell you when it's too late? //  
  
"Lita!" I called from across the hotel lobby. She turned around and looked at me. Her brow kind of scrunched up in distaste.  
  
"Shit," I muttered to myself as I crossed the lobby toward her.  
  
"What are you doing around here?" she asked.  
  
"I'm visiting my sister," I said.  
  
"Oh," she said. "Well, your dad would kill me if he saw me talking to you. Or at least fire me. I'm in enough trouble after breaking up Team Xtreme."  
  
"You okay?" I asked her.  
  
"Why in the hell would you care?" she asked.  
  
"We used to be friends Lita," I said. "You look tired."  
  
"I am tired," she said. "Which is why I'm trying to check into my hotel room. But you seem to want to talk me to death."  
  
"Fine," I said, walking back to where I had been standing to look for my sister.  
  
// Who's gonna tell you things aren't so great? //  
  
"Shane!" Stephanie called to me. I shook thoughts of Lita out of my head. I had come to visit Stephanie because I was worried about her. I knew that she and Jericho had stopped seeing each other for some unknown reason. But something else was wrong.  
  
I went to her and hugged her. We may have done pretty rotten stuff to each other at various times in our lives, but I loved her. "Lunch?" I asked her.  
  
"Sounds great," she said. We walked into the hotel restaurant, knowing she didn't have much time to go find a place to eat.  
  
We were sharing small talk when somebody suddenly walked up to our table. We turned our heads to see Lita standing there. "I just wanted to apologize for how I treated you earlier. I'm tired, but I didn't need to be rude."  
  
"It's no problem," I said. "You should go get some rest."  
  
"I will," she said, nodding her head. "I'll see you around."  
  
"Okay," I said. I watched her walk out of the restaurant.  
  
// You can't go on Thinking nothing's wrong //  
  
"What's wrong with her?" I asked Stephanie.  
  
"She was brought up in the South," Stephanie said. "Do you really need any other explanation?"  
  
"Stop being a snob," I said. "She seems really tired. And even in the ring, she seems to have lost some of her intensity."  
  
"Maybe we should have Kurt talk to her," Stephanie said. "She and Matt broke up. I heard that she had an abortion."  
  
"Abortion is not a dirty word," I said to her.  
  
"I just couldn't imagine making an appointment to kill my own child," Stephanie said. Tears filled her eyes and she looked away.  
  
"What's wrong Steph?" I asked.  
  
"Nothing," she said, smiling back at me. I knew I couldn't exactly believe her.  
  
// Who's gonna drive you home tonight? //  
  
"You're still hanging around here?" Lita asked, when she bumped into me in the lobby.  
  
"I had dinner with Booker and Lance," I said. "I just went up to say good night to Stephanie. We ended up getting into a long conversation and I missed my flight back to Connecticut."  
  
"Why didn't you stay with her?" Lita asked.  
  
"Dad's room is adjoined to hers," I said. "She doesn't need to risk incurring his wrath on my behalf."  
  
"You can stay with me," Lita said.  
  
"That's okay," I said.  
  
"Shane," she said. "It will make me feel better because I was so rude to you earlier today."  
  
"Okay," I agreed. "Thanks."  
  
// Who's gonna pick you up when you fall? //  
  
In the middle of the night I heard sniffling. I sat up and turned towards the other bed and listened. Lita was crying.  
  
"Lita," I whispered to her. Her crying abruptly stopped, but she didn't answer. "Lita, what's wrong sweetheart?"  
  
"Nothing," she said, her voice somewhat muffled.  
  
"You were crying," I pointed out.  
  
"I hurt myself," Lita said.  
  
"You didn't have a match tonight," I replied.  
  
"Shit," she mumbled. She sat up and turned on the light. Her face was blotchy with tear marks. "It's nothing Shane."  
  
"Don't say it's nothing," I said. "I won't tell anyone if you need to talk."  
  
// Who's gonna hang it up when you call? //  
  
"I'm fine," she said. "Really."  
  
I got out of my bed and walked over to sit in front of her. "I've always liked you Lita, you know that. I was never one of the people who went after you. You can trust me."  
  
"I know," Lita said, reaching out a hand to caress my cheek. "You have eyes like him. So caring, so intense."  
  
"Like who?" I asked.  
  
"Matt," Lita whispered.  
  
"It's because he broke up with you, isn't it?" I asked her. "That bastard!"  
  
"I broke up with him Shane," Lita said. "I broke his heart and couldn't leave him until I saw it was destroying him."  
  
"You broke his heart?" I asked her.  
  
"I had an abortion," Lita said, hanging her head in shame. "He did everything he could to talk me out of it. I would be eight months pregnant right now."  
  
"How did that break his heart sweetie?" she asked.  
  
"He loved that baby from the first moment I told him about it," Lita said. "But I still went and got the abortion. And I stayed with him. I let him pick me up off of the ground. I let him fix me."  
  
// Who's gonna pay attention to your dreams? //  
  
"Is that so bad?" I asked her. "Didn't you love him?"  
  
"Of course I did," Lita said. "But I ignored that he was hurting too. I let it be all about my pain. I didn't care that he was hurting."  
  
"He loved you too Lita," I said. "He probably just wanted to help you."  
  
"I don't know," Lita said. "I mean, he loved me, but the pain was killing him. He smiles now at least."  
  
"I bet you haven't talked to anyone about this," I said. "Have you?"  
  
"Does it matter?" Lita asked.  
  
"Of course it does Lita," I said, pulling her into a hug. "You shouldn't have to live through this alone. You haven't done anything wrong."  
  
"I killed my baby!" Lita exclaimed, pushing away from me.  
  
// Who's gonna plug their ears when you scream? //  
  
"No, you made a decision," I told her.  
  
"I made the wrong decision," she replied, all of the pain she felt clear in her hazel eyes.  
  
"You made the best decision you could at the time," I told her, trying to be as soothing as possible. "Why did you decide to have an abortion?"  
  
"Because of my career," Lita said. "And because I wasn't sure I could trust Matt."  
  
"And would you be having a match tomorrow for the women's belt if you hadn't had an abortion?" I asked her. "Would you have automatically trusted Matt not to hurt you if you hadn't had an abortion?"  
  
"I don't know," Lita said.  
  
"Yes you do," I told her. "I know it hurts, I'm not trying to take that away from you. But you can't let the abortion dictate your life. You weren't meant to have a baby yet."  
  
"What about Matt?" Lita asked.  
  
"If you guys were supposed to be together still, you would be," I told her. "You'll always love him, but it will fade."  
  
"When?" she asked me, looking at me like a child who had just asked why the sky was blue.  
  
"When you're ready," I told her.  
  
// You can't go on Thinking nothing's wrong //  
  
"This is Shane McMahon," I said, picking up my ringing office phone.  
  
"Hey Shane," a pretty, happy voice said.  
  
"Lita," I said, leaning back in my chair. "How are you doing sweetie."  
  
"Pretty good," Lita said. "We're in New York this week. I was wondering if you were free for dinner tomorrow."  
  
"Sure," I said. "Just give me your information and I'll pick you up."  
  
"Great," she said. We chatted for a few more moments.  
  
Over the three months since I had spent the night in her room, we had talked on a regular basis. She was gradually coming to accept the choice she had made and she realized that the choice hadn't made her a bad person.  
  
I could see the difference every time I saw her on television. She smiled a little more often. She was wrestling better than ever. She had regained her confidence.  
  
I had never meant to do it, but I fell in love with her. I didn't actually spend too much time with her, but we talked all the time. And I loved the person she was, the dreams she had, and the way she treated everyone around her.  
  
But I couldn't exactly tell her. She wasn't ready for that.  
  
// Who's gonna drive you home tonight? //  
  
"Shane!" Lita said, running to me and embracing me.  
  
"Hey Lita," I said, swinging her around in a circle. "How are you doing?"  
  
"Great," she said.  
  
"How does Italian food sound?" I asked her. "And then a concert in the park?"  
  
"Wonderful," she said. She slipped her hand into mine and we walked out of the hotel.  
  
// Who's gonna hold you down when you shake? //  
  
We danced to the band that played in the park. She felt perfect in my arms. I loved everything about the way we moved together. All I wanted to do was dance with her for the rest of my life. I'm not a normally sappy person, but all of my feelings were sappy in those moments I held her in my arms.  
  
"Your sister has been spending time with Matt," Lita commented.  
  
"Really?" I asked. "How do you feel about that?"  
  
"Well, I worry about him," Lita said. "And I will kill her if she hurts him."  
  
"Good to know," I replied.  
  
"He deserves to be happy," Lita said.  
  
"So do you," I replied, pulling my head up just a bit so I could look into her warm hazel eyes.  
  
// Who's gonna come around when you break? //  
  
Involuntarily, I tore myself away from Lita. "Shane? What's wrong Shane?"  
  
"Nothing," I said, still walking a few more steps away from her.  
  
"Then why did you pull away from me?" Lita asked.  
  
"Because I was going to do something I really shouldn't have," I said.  
  
"Why don't you let me be the judge of that?" she asked.  
  
"I was going to kiss you Lita," I said.  
  
"And the problem with that is?" Lita asked.  
  
// You can't go on Thinking nothing's wrong //  
  
"You're not ready for that," I said.  
  
"Why are you making decisions for me Shane?" Lita asked. There was an amused look on her face and no anger in her tone.  
  
"I just want to treat you like I should," I said.  
  
"I think you should do what you feel Shane McMahon," Lita said. "You shouldn't overthink everything. You're the one who taught me that."  
  
"I did?" I asked.  
  
"And you can't change everything," Lita said. "No matter how much you want to."  
  
"No you can't," I said.  
  
"I can't change that I'm in love with you," Lita said. "But I don't want to."  
  
// Who's gonna drive you home tonight? //  
  
"You don't?" I asked.  
  
"Why would I?" Lita asked. "You're the guy who saw through my tough exterior and saw that I needed help. You were the one who helped me look inside of me. You helped me like me again."  
  
"I did all of that?" I asked.  
  
"Yeah," Lita said.  
  
"So I can kiss you?" I asked her.  
  
"I might be hurt if you didn't," Lita said, pulling me closer to her.  
  
// You know you can't go on Thinking nothing's wrong //  
  
We had our problems, but every couple does. For awhile it was distance, but once I finally reconciled with my dad, that stopped. With Lita and I we just had to always speak our minds, do what we needed to do and nothing was ever wrong.  
  
We helped each other to recognize who we were and all of our dreams. And I could never imagine my life without her.  
  
// Who's gonna drive you home tonight? // 


	12. Colorblind

*** The song is "Colorblind" by Counting Crows. ***  
  
// I am colorblind Coffee black and egg white //  
  
The night she came to me, I had never been more terrified in my life. Ever. She was bruised and broken. I could see the signs of her brokenness written all over her face. This woman was supposed to be witty, smart, and confident. She was not supposed to be crying.  
  
But she came to me. I am glad she came to me. At least I finally knew what was going on between her and Rob, as sick as it made me. As much as it made me want to kill the cocky bastard. But I kept that to myself. It wouldn't help Stacy to see my disgust with the man she had loved, despite his cruelty.  
  
So I took her in that night. Luckily I was rooming with Jericho and he never comes back to the room. I was able to stay up with her all night, I was able to hold her while she cried. I was able to assure her that Rob was the one in the wrong, not her. Not that it did any good at first. She was the typical victim of abuse. She wasn't able to see that she didn't deserve to be hit and degraded, especially not by the man who professed to love her.  
  
For the first month or two, Stacy was slowly but surely building up a wall around herself. She was so hurt by the way Rob had dumped her. It was impossible for her to trust many people at all. The only people she spent significant amounts of time with were Torrie and I.  
  
// Pull me out from inside //  
  
Since Torrie was in the middle of her own problems, Stacy needed someone to room with. I wasn't willing to let her room alone, because I didn't know if Rob might come after her again. She didn't really get along with any of the other women. They either thought she was an airhead or a slut. She's neither. She is smart and thinks well on her feet. And the only man in the Federation she had been with was Rob, no matter how many guys might have said they had been with her.  
  
I didn't have a problem rooming with Stacy. I think it made her feel a little more comfortable too. She knew that she wouldn't have to explain bad dreams to me if they woke us up in the middle of the night. She knew I would hold her when she needed it. She knew I would always be there for her.  
  
It killed me though. I was there for every nightmare. I was there every time something reminded her of Rob and reopened every wound she had so desperately fought to close. Very few things could penetrate her emotional wall, and Rob Van Dam was definitely one of those things.  
  
// I am ready I am ready //  
  
It was no huge secret that I liked Stacy. She is a gorgeous woman, but that wasn't what I was attracted to. It was her smile that first caught me. The way her whole face was a part of her smile. Her eyes would light up and her whole face would seem lighter than it had been just a second earlier.  
  
After Rob threw her out, that smile didn't come around too often. There would be sad little imitations of her smile, but not the wholehearted smile that I was so drawn to. It became my mission to cause her to smile like that again. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I liked this woman.  
  
Why be cautious? I loved that woman. We got to know each other in the Alliance, before her and Rob became serious. She was funny, smart, and a great listener. Seeing her hurt whenever Rob was short with her broke my heart. And when she showed up at my room, it was a turning point for me. For the first time in my life, I was more concerned about another person than I was about myself.  
  
// I am ready I am //  
  
"Hey Stace," I said when I walked into the room we were sharing. "You won't believe what I just saw."  
  
"What?" Stacy asked, looking up at me. There was a smile tugging at her lips. She did that when people she cared about walked into rooms. I saw that instinct to smile whenever Torrie walked into the room.  
  
"I saw Jazz and Edge having dinner downstairs," I said. "First Shane and Lita, I've seen Matt Hardy spending so much time with Stephanie McMahon, can things get weirder?"  
  
"Don't forget Molly and Kurt hanging out from time to time," Stacy reminded her. Something about her demeanor had changed.  
  
"What is it?" I asked her.  
  
"Nothing," she said, shaking her head.  
  
"Stacy, I know you," I said. "Something is bugging you."  
  
"Edge was a druggie Christian," Stacy said softly. "Jazz is the one who helped him get over it."  
  
"How can you say something like that about my brother?" I asked, feeling horror over her revelation. It couldn't be true. Edge had always been the solid one.  
  
"It was right after Torrie overdosed that he got some help," Stacy said. "He came and told me. And he apologized to Torrie."  
  
// Taffy stuck and tongue tied Stutter shook and uptight //  
  
"I don't believe you," I sputtered.  
  
"How can you not believe me?" Stacy asked.  
  
"What are you talking about?" I asked her, surprised at the sadness in her brown eyes.  
  
"You were the only one who would have believed that Rob was hitting me, hurting me whenever he could," Stacy said, her voice sad. "And you won't believe me when I tell you something about your brother. Something that might force you to talk to him."  
  
"You want me to talk to Edge?" I asked her.  
  
"You've done so much for me Christian," Stacy said. "You've really been my rock. You are the only reason I didn't go crawling back to Rob, asking for him to hurt me more."  
  
"How does me talking to Edge make you happy?" I asked her.  
  
"Because it will make you happy," Stacy said simply.  
  
// Pull me out from inside //  
  
So I went to talk to Edge. I told him I knew about the drugs and I knew he was working on staying clean. He told me that he was sorry he hadn't seen that I needed to have someone believe in me. I told him that I wouldn't intentionally hurt him anymore and I would be there for him if he happened to need me.  
  
"Thanks bro," Edge said, genuinely shocked at my offer. "Why did you come?"  
  
"Because of Stacy," I told him honestly. I hadn't spoken to him for months, I wasn't going to screw it up right off the bat with a lie. "She thought it would make me happy."  
  
"What's going on with you and Stacy?" he asked. "I mean you don't seem romantic, but you guys stay together."  
  
"She needed someone to lean on and I happened to be the one she chose," I said.  
  
"And you love her," Edge said. "Don't deny it. It's written on your face."  
  
"I won't deny it," I said. "She's wonderful."  
  
"So tell her," Edge said.  
  
"I can't," I told him.  
  
// I am ready I am ready //  
  
It was true. The last person that had told Stacy that he loved her had beat her mercilessly. And the psychological abuse was horrible. She withdrew from physical contact with most people. She didn't go out after shows. She booked flights that she wouldn't have to be with anyone she didn't trust. She wore baggy clothes away from work.  
  
If I told her I loved her, it might set her back. I refused to cause her pain. I refused to be the one to make her cry. I was the one who loved her. I wouldn't torture her. I wouldn't say something I knew would hurt her.  
  
And I was convinced she still loved Rob.  
  
// I am ready I am Fine //  
  
I was walking out of Edge's dressing room and I saw something that stilled my blood. Stacy was pressed against a wall, looking like she would sink into it if she could. And Rob was standing so close to her. Her body screamed to me that she was afraid. Every muscle in her body seemed taut with fear. I felt rage course through me.  
  
I walked down the hall, very quickly. "Get the hell away from her."  
  
"Christian, this is really none of your business," he said, looking at me as if I was nothing.  
  
"Rob, leave me alone," Stacy said firmly. "You don't love me. You never did."  
  
"Of course I love you baby," Rob said, lifting his hand to caress her face. She flinched away from his touch. "Don't do that!"  
  
"I will never be with you again Rob," Stacy said. "And it is Christian's business. He was the one who helped me to see what you are. All you are is a weak man who thrives off of making other people feel just as weak as you are."  
  
"I am not weak," Rob said.  
  
"You are very physically strong," Stacy conceded. "I have the scars to prove it. Your strength is what makes me not want to be touched, good touches or bad touches. But you are weak Rob."  
  
Rob looked at her as if she was crazy. He turned to me and he said, "You can have the bitch."  
  
// I am covered in skin No one gets to come in //  
  
"Christian," Stacy said, sighing in relief. "You will never know how glad I was to see you."  
  
"You okay?" I asked her.  
  
"I feel strong for the first time in such a long time," she said. She sounded happy and confident. Her eyes were shining in a way that made me wish, not for the first time, that she would smile.  
  
"I'm so happy for you," I said. "And I'm proud of you."  
  
"Thank you," Stacy said.  
  
I was so careful not to touch her. All I wanted to do was pull her into my arms and tell her I could love her and not hit her. But she had said she never wanted to be touched. I wanted to love her like she deserved to be loved. But I did not want to scare her.  
  
"What's wrong Christian?" she asked.  
  
"Oh, nothing," I replied.  
  
"You sure?" she asked, her tone concerned.  
  
"Positive," I replied.  
  
// Pull me out from inside  
  
"Why don't you hug me?" Stacy asked about two weeks after her run-in with Rob.  
  
"What are you talking about?" I asked her.  
  
"You used to you know," Stacy said. "I can't pinpoint when you stopped. You just used to be able to sense exactly when I needed a hug and you would give me one."  
  
"You said you didn't want to be touched," I said softly.  
  
"I did?" Stacy asked.  
  
"When you were talking to Rob," I told her.  
  
"God, what I said to Rob didn't pertain to you Christian," Stacy said. "I just don't want romantic involvement. But you, I trust you."  
  
"So you don't mind friends touching you?" I asked her. I was unaccountably angry. It was like all I could ever be was a friend to her. I wanted to put my fist into a wall. I loved her and I felt like I would never be able to show her.  
  
"What is wrong with you?" Stacy asked, obviously noting my shift in emotions.  
  
// I am folded And unfolded And unfolding //  
  
"Maybe you shouldn't trust me so much," I told her. "You don't want men to desire you and you definitely don't want to desire them. That would be giving too much of yourself up."  
  
"What are you talking about?" Stacy asked.  
  
"You're completely shutting yourself off from love because of one man," I said, fuming. I paced the room angrily. "And I, fool that I am, love you!"  
  
"You love me?" Stacy asked.  
  
"Yeah, but I can't show you that because it would likely scare the crap out of you," I said. "And that is the last thing I want to do."  
  
"Christian," she whispered, closing her eyes to keep the tears from falling.  
  
"I'm going to go lift," I told her, leaving her alone with her thoughts.  
  
// I am colorblind //  
  
I couldn't force myself back into the dressing room the whole night, except while Stacy was at her match with Dawn Marie. I grabbed my stuff and left Stacy a note that I was going out with some of the other guys.  
  
I hopped into my rental car and just drove. I had all of this energy inside of me that I had to wear out. I loved Stacy and above all else I wanted to see her happy. If that meant I had to shove all of my feelings aside, I could do that. I could just be her friend. I might have to shut a large part of myself off, but for Stacy I could do that.  
  
I just hoped I hadn't made her so uncomfortable that she wouldn't let herself be around me anymore.  
  
// Coffee black and eye white Pull me out from inside //  
  
"Where did you go?" Stacy asked. I was shocked to hear her voice. The lights had been off when I walked into the room so I just threw myself into my bed.  
  
"I thought you were asleep," I said.  
  
"I had some thinking to do," Stacy said softly.  
  
"I'm sorry about earlier," I told her. "I had no right to burden you with my issues. I hope I didn't hurt you or anything."  
  
"Did you mean what you said?" Stacy asked.  
  
"What do you mean?" I asked her.  
  
"Do you love me Christian?" she asked, sitting up in her bed.  
  
// I am ready I am ready I am ready I am //  
  
"Yeah," I said to her. "But I can love you and not need you to love me back. I can love you and not be in a relationship with you."  
  
"Why would you want that?" she asked.  
  
"It's not a question of want," I said. "It's a question of need. And you don't need to be in a relationship with me."  
  
"Did it ever occur to you that I might love you too?" she asked me. I sensed her moving from her bed to mine. "Did you ever think that you might be the one man I would want to touch me? I trust you with my life Christian. You're the one who gave it back to me. I guess it already belongs to you."  
  
"What?" I asked, unable to believe what I was hearing.  
  
"I love you Christian," she said, moving so that she laid next to me. "Will you please kiss me now?"  
  
"Tell me I'm not dreaming," I said. I leaned over and kissed her lips softly. And she kissed me back, without fear or reservation. "You mean it."  
  
"I wouldn't lie to you Christian," she said.  
  
// Fine //  
  
"Turn on the light," I said.  
  
"What?" she asked.  
  
"Just do it!" I said. She leaned over and turned on the light. "I love you Stacy."  
  
Her face lit up with a smile. I said a silent prayer of thanks. "I've wanted to see that smile for so long. "  
  
"What?" she asked.  
  
"You haven't smiled like that in so long," I told her. "How I wanted to see it."  
  
She smiled again. Then she kissed me again.  
  
// I am fine // 


	13. Places You Have Come to Fear the Most

*** I use "The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most" by Dashboard Confessionals in this chapter. Enjoy! ***  
  
// Buried as deep as you can dig Inside yourself //  
  
Who would have guessed it? Certainly not me. I would not have believed that she could have hidden her true thoughts and feelings so well. She managed to dig a hole inside of herself and bury everything she really felt so deep that no one could see it. Not Spike Dudley, not Hurricane Helms. Not even Raven could see the secrets she forced herself to keep.  
  
The only problem with her keeping all of these thoughts to herself was that they had found a warm place to fester. They were always there, just under her skin. She may have been able to quiet them from time to time, but she had no one to talk to. She had no way to chase her demons away.  
  
And they were demons. Nothing like nice, little problems that can be solved. Problems aren't the reason you would try to kill yourself. Problems are easy. Demons are the things that force you to the edge and make you confront yourself. The only people who survive their demons are the people who are willing to find help.  
  
// And covered with a perfect shell Such a charming, beautiful exterior //  
  
Sometimes I shake my head at it all. Who would have thought that Molly Holly could hold such madness and fear inside of her? Of all the Divas, I thought she was the happiest, the closest to normal. But she is the most messed up by far. I'm not saying that in a bad way. She just has so much more to deal with than any of the other women. And she managed to hide it all so well.  
  
I know people would say that I don't know what I'm talking about. But I do. It's surprising how many people talk to me, considering that I'm often public enemy number one. But people seem to confide in me for some reason. Maybe it's because they all realize that I don't tell secrets and I can often help. When someone comes to me with a problem, I'm compelled to help. Often I will be really quiet about it. I wouldn't want to ruin my rep.  
  
I know about Stacy getting beat up by Van Dam, I saw her the night he threw her out and she ran to Christian. I know that Torrie had a problem with drugs, Edge cried to me one night on the phone. He also told me about the sister Jazz had lost. I knew Lita had an abortion. She came to me when she needed someone to tell her that she had no integrity. I shocked her by letting her cry on my shoulder. Everyone knew Trish had developed a case of anorexia. And Stephanie, she was haunted by the way she had lost her child. I was the one who took her home from the hospital, but there was more to Stephanie's problems.  
  
I'm not saying these other women had trivial problems, all of them had so much to deal with. But all of them were sane, for the most part. None of them felt like there was something wrong with their brain. None of them were completely unable to accept themselves.  
  
// Laced with brilliant smiles And shining eyes Perfect posture //  
  
When I found those pills, I was more than a little shocked. She just has this sunny smile that always helped me believe there were some good things left in this world. To find out that her smile was actually hollow hurt for some unknown reason. Maybe I wanted to believe in the good things, maybe I wanted to believe in her.  
  
I had to start watching out for her after I found out. I even picked a couple of fights with Spike when they initially got together, so I could know where she was. She was this pretty girl and she was going out with some scrawny dork, but held something inside of her. Something that required some pretty strong drugs. I would watch those two together. I know she cared for him. I knew from the way she would grin at him, the way she watched his matches.  
  
And secretly, while I watched her I started to care for her. I'm not the kind of guy who cares for good people. I'm the kind of person who is supposed to fall for vixens, like Stephanie and Trish. But something about her strength really made me think there was no one better in the world. I thought maybe she was finally gaining the happiness she deserved while she was with the Hurricane. I had no idea how wrong I was.  
  
// But you're barely scraping by But you're barely scraping by //  
  
"Molly?" I asked in shock when she appeared at my door. She had never sought me out, no matter how much I wished she would. I could tell almost immediately something was wrong.  
  
"Can I come in?" she asked weakly, leaning against the door frame.  
  
"Yeah," I said, opening my door a little further. She stumbled a bit. "Are you okay?"  
  
"I'm so weak," she said, tears choking her throat. There was deep pain etched all over her face. I would have given my life at that moment to get rid of her pain. "I couldn't do it."  
  
I looked at her again. I had only concentrated on her face that seemed so sorrowful. I looked down at her hands and I saw it. There was a t-shirt wrapped around one of her wrists. And I saw the blood. I knew what she had done, but I still had to ask.  
  
"Molly?" I asked, trying to keep my voice from wavering weakly. "What did you do to yourself?"  
  
And then she showed me her wrist, telling me she was too weak to kill herself. All I could think was that I was so glad she had been strong enough to stop herself. She collapsed in my arms. That was when Molly became the most important part of my life.  
  
// This is one time, this is one time That you can't fake it hard enough to please Everyone Or anyone at all //  
  
I stayed by her hospital bed that whole night. I had someone in the halls at the arena tell Hurricane that I had taken Molly to the local hospital. I knew he would be worried.  
  
"What happened?" his boyish voice asked from the doorway.  
  
"She tried to slit her wrists," I said, never tearing my eyes from her. Her wrist was bandaged and they had given her some pretty strong sedatives. And they wanted to keep her in psychiatric for 48 hours.  
  
"What?" Hurricane asked. "Molly wouldn't do something like that. She's happy."  
  
"She's been on anti-depressants since before she came to the WWF," I told him. "She was just good at hiding her problems. Don't make her feel like she failed you."  
  
"But," Hurricane said. "I don't understand."  
  
"She's not coming back on the road tomorrow," I told him. "They have to keep her here for a certain amount of time. I'll stay here with her."  
  
"Thanks man," Hurricane said gratefully.  
  
"I'm not doing it for you," I told him. "I'm doing it for her."  
  
// Or anyone at all //  
  
Sometime in the middle of the night, Molly's eyes fluttered open. She craned her neck just a bit and looked at me.  
  
"I actually went to you," she said. "I thought it was a dream."  
  
"I'm glad you came to me," I told her.  
  
"I'm sorry Kurt," she said.  
  
"Why?" I asked her.  
  
"I'm so weak," she said, tears appearing in her eyes. I lifted a finger to brush her tears away.  
  
"If you were weak you never would have come to me," I told her.  
  
// And the grave that you refuse to leave The refuge that you built to flee //  
  
"You have to stay here a couple of days Molly," I whispered to her, slipping my hand into hers. "They are required to evaluate you for at least 48 hours."  
  
"Oh God," she whispered.  
  
"I'll be here," I told her.  
  
"How can you?" Molly asked. "You have to work Kurt."  
  
"I'm pretty tight with Stephanie and Vince," I said. "If I tell them I need a couple days off and no questions asked, they can do that for me."  
  
"Kurt, you don't know me," Molly said. "You don't want to know me."  
  
"I think I know you better than you think," I told her.  
  
// The places you've come to fear the most Is the place that you have come to fear the most //  
  
"I don't know if I can go back," she whispered to me a couple of days later as we sat in the back of a taxi, on our way to the arena SmackDown was at. "What if people start pitying me?"  
  
"Molly, don't pay attention to them," I told her, placing a comforting arm around her shoulders. The doctors had said that she seemed shaken that she had actually tried to take her own life. She had contemplated doing it before, but she had never seriously thought she would do it. That comforted me so much.  
  
"What about Vince?" Molly asked me, reaching out and grabbing my other hand. She held it tightly in both of her hands. I don't know if she ever realized that she did. "What if he found out?"  
  
"You should tell him the truth Molly," I said. I knew the McMahons on a level most of my colleagues didn't. "He's not the jerk you think he is. At least not all of the time."  
  
"Kurt," she said, shying away from what I told her.  
  
"We'll figure something out if he is a jerk," I promised her. "I'm not going to let you down."  
  
// Buried as deep as you can dig Inside yourself And hidden in the public eye //  
  
I knew very well that Vince would understand what Molly was going through. He would understand for the same reasons I understood. He had experienced clinical depression, like I had. Neither of us had personally experienced it, but we both had family members who had gone through severe bouts of depression.  
  
Stephanie came crying to me one night, when her marriage was in real jeopardy and she knew I liked her. She spilled her whole life story to me. She told me about Linda's depression that would flare up periodically and throw the whole McMahon lifestyle up in the air. Then she told me about her sophomore year in high school, when she herself hit rock bottom.  
  
Vince hadn't even seen that Stephanie was crying for help until he walked into her room one morning and she wouldn't wake up. Luckily the pills she had taken hadn't been strong enough to actually kill her. Vince had gotten her help right away. After a couple of years she was able to control herself, but there were still times. I knew Vince would want to help Molly.  
  
// Such a stellar monument to loneliness Laced with brilliant smiles And shining eyes Perfect make-up //  
  
"Vince, Molly and I need to talk to you," I said as I pulled Molly with me into his dressing room. Stephanie sat in the chair and I nodded to her.  
  
"Okay," Vince said, motioning for us to sit down. "What's up?"  
  
I nodded to Molly encouragingly. "Vince, I have, I don't know how to tell you this. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression. Three days ago I tried to kill myself."  
  
"Do you need some time off Molly?" Vince asked, concern evident in his voice. I knew I had made the right choice in convincing Molly to just tell Vince.  
  
"I don't think so," Molly said. "But I think I do need to take it easy for a while."  
  
"Is there anything we can do to help?" Vince asked. "Do you need us to find a psychiatrist to tour with us for a while?"  
  
"No," Molly said. "The doctors said I should be fine going once a week. I'll just find one in Pittsburgh."  
  
"Pittsburgh?" Stephanie asked.  
  
"She's moving in with me," I said softly. "I'm going to be there for her."  
  
"I'm glad you have someone solid," Stephanie said. She smiled at me. "Kurt is always there when you really need him."  
  
// But you're barely scraping by But you're barely scraping by //  
  
"I don't understand what just went on in there," Molly said. "How could they be so understanding?"  
  
"They've lived with depression," I said quietly. "This is privileged information. But Linda and Stephanie have each had to deal with depression."  
  
"Oh," Molly said.  
  
"They don't feel sorry for you Molly," I told her, stopping her and forcing her to look into my eyes. "They understand. I understand."  
  
"Why?" she asked, tears in her eyes.  
  
"My sister," I told her. I looked away. I knew I needed to tell her this. But it hurt so damn bad. It had been twelve years. I should have dealt with it by now. "She was manic depressive. She killed herself twelve years ago."  
  
"Oh God," Molly gasped. "And I came to you."  
  
"I'm glad you did," I told her. "Don't feel sorry for me. Just let me help you."  
  
// Well this is one time, this is one time That you can't fake it hard enough to please Everyone Or anyone at all Or anyone at all //  
  
Initially she made great progress. She had done the psychiatrist thing before. We managed to find a good doctor, who wouldn't drug her out of her mind. She cut back a lot on work. She still came to every show, but she wasn't doing dark matches or anything.  
  
I made sure she met all of our neighbors. We would go to the park whenever we were home. She helped me redecorate my house. The doctor she was seeing told her it was a good idea to get involved in things. She volunteered to teach a gymnastics class at a local YMCA once a week. After some time, it didn't seem like it was such an exertion for her to smile. She seemed happy.  
  
// And the grave that you refuse to leave The refuge that you built to flee The places you've come to fear the most Is the place that you have come to fear the most //  
  
I started to think of my house as home for the first time since I had moved into it. It was finally a place I looked forward to being in at the end of a long week. And that was because of Molly. She had made a list of chores for each of us. We would take turns cooking. Every now and then we would pull out a cookbook and just go all out together.  
  
When she seemed like she was better, I was so afraid that she would leave. I had found the home I had wanted for so long. I needed Molly to be there if I was going to be whole. I never should have done it. I never should have fallen for her. I knew it. But I did anyways.  
  
// That you can't fake it hard enough to please Everyone Or anyone at all Or anyone at all //  
  
"Kurt?" Molly asked me one night as she plopped onto the couch next to me. I knew what was coming. I knew her psychiatrist had been asking about our relationship. I knew she would probably say we should start living our own, separate lives.  
  
"Yeah?" I asked, keeping my eyes on the TV, pretending to read the ESPN ticker.  
  
"I'm doing pretty well," she said softly.  
  
"Yeah," I agreed. "And I'm really proud of you Molly."  
  
"I could move out into my own place," she said.  
  
"If that's what you want," I said, shrugging indifferently. My heart was screaming, telling me to tell her she belonged with me.  
  
"What do you want?" she asked me.  
  
"I want what you want," I said. I never looked at her. She got off the couch and stomped to her room.  
  
// And the grave that you refuse to leave The refuge that you built to flee The places you've come to fear the most Is the place that you have come to fear the most //  
  
"What are you still doing on the couch?" she asked when she walked back into the living room hours later.  
  
"I don't know," I told her truthfully. I had sat on the couch for hours, trying to convince myself that everything between us wasn't over.  
  
"What's wrong Kurt?" she asked.  
  
"Nothing is wrong I guess," I said. She sat down next to me.  
  
"Tell me what's on your mind," Molly said, laying her hand on my leg.  
  
"You can't leave me Molly," I said, looking at her. "You're the most important part of my life Molly. I love you."  
  
I got off the couch and started pacing in front of her. "Of course, you don't need that. You have so much on your plate that you hardly need to deal with me."  
  
She stood up and stopped me. She lightly kissed me on the lips. "Kurt, you aren't the only one who has lived in this house for months. I need you. I love you."  
  
"You love me?" I asked her.  
  
"You opened yourself to me in a way no one else ever has," Molly said. "I loved you since the moment I woke up in the hospital. I didn't realize we had built a life together over the past few months. But I don't want to give it up."  
  
"Me neither," I told her.  
  
"Then kiss me Angle," she said. I grinned at her and pulled her into my arms, happy to oblige her.  
  
// Is the place that you have come to fear the most // 


	14. Push

*** The final chapter!!! Thanks for all the reviews, I truly appreciate them. This chapter uses "Push" by Matchbox Twenty. ***  
  
// She said I don't know If I've ever been good enough //  
  
Hell if I know why in the world I ever started talking to her. As far as I was concerned she was the biggest bitch that ever walked the earth, no matter how long she had been banging my best friend. My ex-best friend.  
  
One thing is for sure, when I started hanging around her I had to many damn exes in my life. An ex-girlfriend, an ex-best friend, an ex-tag team partner, an ex-everything. I guess I was ex-Matt Hardy. But she had it worse than me. I never would have believed it. I never could have believed that the Billion Dollar Princess was about as far from happy as a person could get.  
  
And that still doesn't answer the question at hand. Why did I befriend Stephanie McMahon?  
  
// I'm a little bit rusty And I think my head is caving in //  
  
There were several sniffles coming from the car on the other side of mine. I had taken to coming to the arenas alone after Jeff got a girlfriend and Lita broke up with me. I was curious. I wanted anything to take my mind off of the child that should have been growing inside of Lita.  
  
I leaned down to look in the window. "Stephanie?" I asked in shock.  
  
Her head shot toward me and looked at me as if I was the worst scum on earth. She snarled like she could care less who I was, like she didn't care about much at all. The sneer on her face would have been a lot more convincing if her blue eyes weren't filled with tears.  
  
"What's wrong?" I asked as I opened the passenger door to her car and got in.  
  
// And I don't know if I've ever been really loved By a hand that's touched me //  
  
She didn't talk that first night. She just started up her car and left the parking lot. She drove around the city we were in. It was strange to see Stephanie so concentrated and so quiet. She didn't say a word the whole two hours we rode in that car together.  
  
I would catch glimpses of her profile from time to time. There was some strength in the way she clenched her jaw, some grace in her neck. But more than anything there was this profound sense of overwhelming sadness about her.  
  
She drove back to the parking lot when she was nearly out of gas and dropped me off by my car. She stopped the car and I looked her in the eyes. The tears were still there. I wanted to tell her it was okay to cry, but somehow I didn't think she would have taken that too well.  
  
"Thank you," she whispered, her voice choked with unspoken tears.  
  
"Maybe we can talk about it next time," I said.  
  
// And I feel like something's gonna to give And I'm a little bit angry //  
  
Okay, so I'm a big, freaking softy. Especially where crying women are concerned. I can't make myself leave them when they are obviously in pain. Part of me reached out to the pain in Stephanie.  
  
And I realized something amazing on my way back to my hotel. For the first time in months, I had spent two hours without thinking about Lita or the baby we might have had. Stephanie had inadvertently helped me to get away from my own problems, if only for a short period.  
  
But I was mad as hell that it was Stephanie that I had crossed paths with. It was never wise to be involved with Stephanie McMahon. Stephanie's friends, enemies, and lovers were all brought to their knees because of her. But then I'd see those damn blue eyes in my mind and I knew I had to be there for her, because obviously no one else was.  
  
// Well, this ain't over No not here Not while I still need you around //  
  
No matter how mad I was, I was always at Stephanie's car after a show. It was weeks before she really said anything at all on our rides. She would always say thank you when she dropped me off, but that was it.  
  
I didn't mind. When I was in the car with Stephanie, I stopped thinking. I was so centered on Stephanie and this quiet pain that she held inside, that I forgot about the pain I always felt. It was an escape. I think it was an escape for Stephanie too. If Stephanie didn't like what was happening she would have just stopped being around when I went to the parking lot.  
  
No one knew about these rides Stephanie took together. People probably would have thought we were crazy if they did know. It was like our own private therapy.  
  
// You don't own me We might change it Yeah we just might feel good //  
  
"What are you doing here?" she asked me one night while she was stopped at a red light.  
  
"What?" I asked, stunned to hear her say something that really mattered.  
  
"Why do you come here?" Stephanie asked me.  
  
"I don't know," I answered.  
  
"Matt, don't let me drag you down," Stephanie said. "You're a good person. I'm bad news."  
  
"Stephanie," I said, reaching out and touching her arm. "You are not bad news."  
  
"You can't understand," she said. I saw tears glittering in her eyes again.  
  
"Try me," I challenged.  
  
// I want to push you around, Well I will, well I will //  
  
Stephanie pulled onto a dark, residential street and pulled up to a curb. "You don't want to know the crap I've done Matt."  
  
"You don't want to admit that stuff that you've done," I replied. "I doubt you could shock me too much."  
  
Stephanie's eyes glittered in a way that made me uncomfortable. She leaned over and kissed me. The kiss was angry, meant to offend me. I liked it.  
  
After a couple of moments the kiss became more. It was like both of us had been missing something in our lives for so long, and we weren't above using each other to fix our pain.  
  
Stephanie tore away and ran a hand through her hair, "God, this is wrong?"  
  
"Why?" I asked. "We are two single people, what is wrong about it?"  
  
// I want to take you down Well I will, well I will //  
  
"You think you know who I am Matt," Stephanie said. "But you have no idea. You should get out of this car and run away. I ruin everyone."  
  
"I doubt that," I said. I knew I had thought the same thing several times in my life about Stephanie, but I wouldn't admit it to her while she was in the middle of breaking down.  
  
"I couldn't possibly be what you need," Stephanie said.  
  
"Maybe you already are," I said. "Maybe you're my escape."  
  
"What in the world would you have to escape?" she asked.  
  
"You'd be surprised," I said, looking out of the window so she couldn't see the tears in my own eyes.  
  
// I want to take you for granted I want to take you for granted Yeah, yeah I will, I will I will //  
  
I wasn't surprised when Stephanie ended up at my room that night though. I wasn't surprised that the sex was great. I wasn't surprised when she put on her clothes and left right away. I was surprised that I wished she hadn't left.  
  
Meaningless sex is not my thing. That night with Stephanie was as close as I ever got to meaningless sex. But I knew there was meaning in there. Maybe the reasons were clouded by lust. Maybe the reasons weren't exactly noble.  
  
But still, it wasn't enough. I wanted to have more.  
  
// She said I don't know Why you ever would've lied to me Like I'm a little untrusting When I think the truth is gonna hurt you //  
  
"What are you escaping when you're with me?" Stephanie asked the next night.  
  
"History," I said.  
  
"I know the feeling," Stephanie said.  
  
"What are you escaping from?" I asked her.  
  
"Myself," Stephanie said. "Somehow I never run far enough."  
  
"What did you do?" I asked her. "It has to be something that happened recently."  
  
"You really want to know?" she asked me.  
  
"I do," I told her.  
  
// And I don't know why You couldn't just stay with me You couldn't stand to be near me //  
  
"I killed my baby," she whispered, not looking at me.  
  
I felt my heart stop. She had had an abortion just like Lita had. I had managed to fall for another woman who didn't think about the future and just thought about themselves until it was too late to take it back.  
  
"You had an abortion?" I asked her.  
  
"God no!" she exclaimed.  
  
"Then what?" I asked her.  
  
"I went to the ring to force Jericho to see me, to admit I was pregnant with his child," Stephanie said. Her voice sounded robotic, emotionless. "And he pushed me off the apron."  
  
"You miscarried Steph," I said. "You didn't kill your baby!"  
  
// When my face don't seem to want to shine. Cause it's a little bit dirty //  
  
"I shouldn't have gone down the ring!" Stephanie exclaimed. "I knowingly endangered the life of my child and I'm paying for it."  
  
"You want to hear about killing a baby Stephanie?" I asked, getting angry at her unreasonable guilt over her loss. "How about a woman who decided that because she didn't trust me and she didn't want to lose her career, she should have an abortion?"  
  
"Lita had an abortion?" Stephanie asked in shock. "I thought that was a rumor."  
  
"Yeah," I said. "She had already decided before she even talked to me. By the time I found out about the baby, there was no changing her mind."  
  
"Do you hate her?" Stephanie asked.  
  
"No," I sighed. "She made the decision that was right for her. I was there for her. She's the one who broke us up."  
  
"She's dating Shane," Stephanie said softly.  
  
"He better treat her right," I said.  
  
// Well, don't just stand there Saying nice things to me Cause I've been cheated, I've been wronged //  
  
I guess Stephanie and I felt we had something in common after that. Both of us longed to know the children we could never meet. Both of us had been bleeding inside because of the loss of a child. Both of us didn't know how to deal with it.  
  
We used each other. I felt that it was better for me to put my pain into my relationship with Stephanie. I knew we wouldn't last. I knew we were just trying to escape until we could live with ourselves.  
  
But I fell in love with Stephanie. I know, I'm as stupid as they come. I know falling for Stephanie can only bring you pain. But I did it.  
  
// You, you don't own me Well I can't change I won't do anything at all //  
  
"What are you doing here?" I asked Stephanie when I answered the front door of my house. We had never gone to each other's home.  
  
"We have to talk Matt," Stephanie said, tears in her pretty blue eyes.  
  
"Okay," I said, letting her into the house and leading her to the living room. I turned off the TV and sat on the table, motioning for her to sit on the couch.  
  
"What is it?" I asked her.  
  
"I'm pregnant," Stephanie said.  
  
// I want to push you around, Well I will, yeah I will I want to take you down Well I will, I will //  
  
I did the first thing that entered my room. I picked Stephanie up and I whirled her around the room. It took me a moment to realize that she was crying.  
  
"What's wrong?" I asked her.  
  
"You're happy?" Stephanie asked, sobbing.  
  
"Of course I am Stephanie," I said, wiping some of her tears away.  
  
"Why couldn't Chris have reacted this way?" Stephanie asked miserably.  
  
I felt my heart clam up. The woman I loved wished someone else was the father of her child. It hurt in a way I never knew I could hurt. It felt like someone shot me in the heart and then decided to set it on fire for good measure.  
  
// I want to take you for granted I want to take you for granted Yeah I will, I will I will //  
  
"Why don't you just go running back to him?" I asked, setting her away from me. I paced to the window, not wanting her to see the tears in my eyes.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Stephanie asked.  
  
"Damn you Stephanie!" I cried. "It was because Jericho didn't react like this that you and I have a second chance at being parents. Can you pain mean so much to you that you can't see that I love you?"  
  
"Don't say that Matt," Stephanie said. There was fear in her voice. I turned quickly to see Stephanie staring at me as if she had seen a ghost.  
  
"Don't say what?" I asked her.  
  
"That you love me," Stephanie said. "You don't want to love me. You should stay far away from me."  
  
// Oh but don't bowl me over Just wait a minute //  
  
"Stephanie," I said, my voice softer. I walked to her, not touching her. I wanted to be there for her if she needed that. "We're going to be parents together, I'm not staying away.'  
  
"Can I be a parent?" Stephanie asked. "Can I be someone who is responsible for another life? I ruin everything! Everything!"  
  
"Stop it!" I exclaimed. "I don't want to hear that from you. You're wonderful, you just know how to hide it pretty well, or you don't know how to show it."  
  
"It would be so nice to believe," Stephanie said. "But I can't!"  
  
"Why not?" I asked her.  
  
"Because I know what's really inside of me!" Stephanie exclaimed. I wanted to reach out and wipe away the tears that were coursing down her face. "I think of me first! No child deserves that."  
  
// Well I kind of fell apart there Things get so crazy, crazy //  
  
"I wish you could see yourself like I see you," I said softly.  
  
"You're just too damn good Matt," Stephanie said. "You look for the good and sometimes you're willing to ignore the bad."  
  
"What is wrong with that?" I asked her. I tried to pull her into my arms, where I knew she would finally cry her troubles away.  
  
"You're too damn blind to see that I will ruin you," Stephanie said, pulling away and heading toward my front door. "And I will ruin this baby."  
  
And then she was gone.  
  
// Don't rush this baby Don't rush this baby, baby //  
  
For a minute I couldn't move. I couldn't see straight. I just wanted to die. I had offered Stephanie my heart with both hands and she had rejected it.  
  
But then I ran after her. She was nearly to her car by the time I reached her. "I'm not letting you get away that easily."  
  
"Matt," Stephanie cried. "Let me go."  
  
"I can't," I said. "I don't know what you would do to yourself if you leave and I would die if you got hurt."  
  
"You mean if I hurt the baby," Stephanie said. I looked in her eyes and I saw the pain she held onto in a different light. I finally understood. "I'm not enough for you, just like I wasn't enough for Chris. It's the baby you're worried about."  
  
"No Stephanie," I said, making her look at me. "I love you. You. I have for awhile now, I was just pretty sure you didn't want to hear it."  
  
// I want to push you around, Well I will, yeah I will I want to take you down Well I will, I will //  
  
"You were wrong," Stephanie said. "I needed to hear it."  
  
"You want me to say it again?" I asked her. "Because I love you so much that I could say it every minute and you still wouldn't know exactly how much I love you."  
  
She finally let me hold her. "Thank you so much."  
  
"No, thank you," I said. "You helped me realize that life goes on. I know we started off on the wrong foot. I know you probably don't love me. But we're going to have a baby. It's a good start."  
  
"Matt?" Stephanie asked, her breath whispering against my neck.  
  
"Yeah sweetheart?" I asked her, rubbing my hand up and down her back.  
  
"You know nothing," Stephanie said. "I do love you."  
  
// I want to take you for granted I want to take you for granted Yeah I will, I will I will //  
  
Slowly Stephanie got over the pain of her miscarriage. She was radiant while she was pregnant. There were still times when she was convinced that she would ruin my life or the baby's life, but she got over it. We got married and bought a house by the ocean.  
  
It was as close to happily ever after as you could get. Sure we fought and sometimes I was convinced we would end up killing each other. But at the end of the day it's still Stephanie that I love and I know that's enough.  
  
// Push you around And drag you down I want to push around Well I will // 


End file.
